A crusader and his middle-eastern guide are trudging through the desert

Their army was crushed and they escaped into the desert. First, they run out of food, and next, they run out of water. The delirium sets in.

The guide, a Muslim by the name of Ibrahim, sees an oasis in the desert, and excitedly points it out to the crusader, Richard. "Look Richard, an oasis! We're saved! Water my friend, we've found water!"

As they ap

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Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blended Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

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An old mathematician turns 89...

Soon after, his friends and family are astounded as he suddenly begins taking up a variety of sports, buying the newest things, and being as active as if he were in his twenties.
Before long, they approach him, asking about this behavior in spite of his age. The man responds "Well of course I'm more active! I'm in my prime!"

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I'm great at basketball, but I such at tennis. Maybe it's because I approach both sports the same way:

Nothing but net

How do redheads approach things?

Gingerly.

My wife has decided to adopt a "Feng Shui" approach to our apartment

Which is a Chinese translation of "you no longer get an opinion"

Mikey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce...

They are in divorce court. The judge asks Mickey to approach the bench. The judge says, "Mickey, you are divorcing Minnie because she is crazy?"

Mickey says, "No! I am divorcing her because she is fucking Goofy!"

An ant sees an anthill and wonders if it's for sale.

Shortly after, he sees a number of ants approach him.

He asked, "Are you the owners?"

They replied "We're ten ants."

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying

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I need help: every time I approach a cute girl on the street, I uncontrollably start to cry.

Does anyone know how to cope with pepper spray?

As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers, so I did.

She's 25 and her name is Candy.

Three couples die and approach St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

The first couple approach, but Peter says to the man, "You cannot go to Heaven. You were too greedy in life! You even married a woman named Penny!"

The second couple approaches, and Peter says, "Halt! You cannot pass into Heaven. You were a drunkard! Why, you even married a woman named Sherry!"

The man in the third couple turns to his wife and says, &

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NSFW My approach to sex is similar to the governments approach to Brexit

I go in hard then pull out when I realise I have no idea what I'm doing

I was sitting in bed 5 hours straight crying after seeing this

When you see your crush and your about to approach but another guy swoops is

Donald Trump decided to take a wait and see approach on closing the Mexican border.

Someone got through to him and said, “Hell hath no fury like a millennial without their avocado toast.”

Note: I am a millennial.

I like to think of Kurt Cobain as the Michelangelo of Rock

Although he had a different approach to painting ceilings.

Pick-Up Line (Patent Pending)

I approach a woman at a bar.

​

Me: "Hey there, have you got an Irish bone in your body?"

Her: "No, why?"

Me: "Would you like thirty-two?" \*I bite her\*

So three rabbi's and their wives all die and are on their way to heaven...

They get stopped by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. The first rabbi and his wife approach Saint Peter and he asks,

"Why should I let you into heaven?"

The rabbi responds, "Well Saint Peter, I'm a rabbi. I've been a man of God my whole life. I should be let into heaven!"

Saint Peter tells him "While that may be true, I'

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A farmer was working out in the field with his three daughters one day when he saw a car approach

A strapping young man stepped out of the car and approached the farmer confidently.

'Hello sir. My name's Dean, and I'm here to take Jean to the dairy Queen'

The farmer respects the lads courteous approach and says, 'Alright Jean off you go, you kids enjoy yourselves'. Not five minutes later, another car pulls up and another dashing young man

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A 15 year old is learning to drive.

As they approach a red stoplight, the instructor explains to stop at the red light. He breezes right through.

"What did I just say?" said the instructor.

"Relax, my brother does this all the time," he replies.

"All right, but don't do it again!" the instructor says.

They approach another red stoplight up ahead.

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A pothead goes to the beach.

It's pretty obvious that he's been smoking earlier that day.
He gets to the beach and it's a quiet day. He notices, however that there are all manner of sea birds squawking and flying around like crazy. They're diving in and out of the water and pestering the few people who were out that day. He figures that these birds were very high-strung and needed to chill out a bit.

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So I was jumping on my trampoline the other day when a group of thugs started to approach me...

So I decided to bounce.

Two ninjas watch an enemy approach. The first ninja nudges the other and says, "he can't cross without being attacked, can he?" The other ninja, stretches and yawns, and replies

"shuriken."

I have three dogs named Oak, Palm and Maple

Don't be scared to approach them. They're **all bark but no bite**.

Sir Rekshun is my dog's new nickname.

Just so I can approach people in the park and say, "Have you seen my dog, Sir Rekshun?"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson approach a grizzly murder.

Sherlock: It looks like before the victim was killed, he was also butt raped.

Watson: What’s that?

Sherlock: Anal-entry, my dear Watson.

Whenever I hit the streets in the cold season with all my icy bling and large fur coat, people would always approach me to ask if I am a pimp.

I tell them, "Nah, man, I'm just a frosty dude."

A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse.

The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approac

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A mathematician approach 2 girls in a bar ...

You two are unknowns to me.

Which one I will solve first.

I installed Fortnite on my laptop and I already killed 20 kids

They should have known better than to approach a stranger offering them a free laptop with Fortnite on it

Whats the difference between men and women?

They all are factual difference between man and women, believe me if you will think about that surely you will be feel remarkable

On the basis of thinking

Women have a larger hippocampus. This is where we store memories. This is why women can recall Every. Single. Word. of an argument from 5 years ago

Women feel, while men use logic.

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I am going to state my gender as 00 on my job applications.

Because it will depend on how they approach me.

How To Get By In Life

Approach every problem like a dog. If you can't eat it or have sex with it, then piss on it and walk away.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for s

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Approach life

Like an Indian man approaches random women online.

My approach to sex is a lot like the government's approach to Brexit

I go in hard and then pull out when I realise I have no idea what I'm doing

A detective walked over to his car

As he made the approach, he saw a smattering of crow feces on it and said,

*"There's been a murder..."*

My approach to sex is like the government's approach to Brexit

I go in hard and pull out when I realise I have no clue what I'm doing

How do you approach a Care Bear that deals in absolutes?

Carefully.

The best angle from which to approach any problem...

... is the Δ.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for s

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I learned from experience that the thing girls want most from life is security.

Anytime I approach one of them, they usually yell, “Security!”

Two men are talking at a bar...

The first man says to the second “I can never seem to sneak past my wife, when I get home from the bar she always yells at me”.
The second man asks “well, what do you do when you leave for home?”.
The first man replies “ when I get home, I turn the engine off and cruise into the driveway, I slowly open the door and I quietly creep up the stairs but despite

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Whenever I'm out in public flashing my money, women approach me all the time!

I'd wish they would work on their pick up lines though, 90% of women start off by saying "Spare some change?"

A man is resting on his death bed...

As he waits to pass on, he sees the reaper approach his bedside.

"I am the angel of deaf!" Says the reaper.

The man, confused, asks "Don't you mean the angel of death?"

"...Could you repeat that?"

Every now and then I like to enter a sports shop.

I approach any male clerk and ask about his soft balls.

The cop finally pulled me over after a long high speed chase.

"This is the most excitement I've had all day!" said the cop. "If you give me a great reason for evading me, I'll let you off with a warning."

"Well," I said, "three weeks ago, my wife left me for a cop. So, when I saw your car approach me, I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

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A guy gets thrown out of a bar.

Two priests approach the guy that was thrown out. He looks at the first priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest shakes his head.

The guy looks at the second priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The second priest also shakes his head.

"Okay, let me prove it to you." The guy walks back into the bar.

The ba

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I approach two fat ladies in england, asking them a question

"Excuse me, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

"It's Wales, you idiot!"

"Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

Two whales walk into a bar.

They approach the bartender and the first says "WAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOHHHHOOAAAAAUAUUUAUAAAAUAAUUUUAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU."

The second whale turns to him and says, "Frank, you're drunk."