Apprentice

Jokes

What did the Mexican carpet layer say to the apprentice?

Underlay underlay!

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Why can't the Cantonese chef get an apprentice?

Nobody wants to learn the Wong way

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A dressmaker asks her apprentice to fetch her two needles

the apprentice can only find one, and it has a flat point.

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The dressmaker tells her apprentice when she returns with the needle:

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\-It's a needle less to say that working with this would be pointless.

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Vampire Hunters


So 2 vampire hunters, a master and his apprentice, were on the trail of an especially evil and clever vampire. They came across a group of people they knew the vampire was hiding among

The apprentice wondered if they had enough garlic to check every one to see if he was the vampire, but the master said he had a simpler solution. He went up to each person and asked them to count


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A Wizard with Glasses

Wizard with glasses: Now you see new apprentice, I know all see all

Apprentice: Wow, can you really see everything?

Wizard with glasses: Well actually, without my glasses I practically see nothing and I guess I can't really see what's behind me, but it's a cool ominous thing to say that conveys me as a person of power.

Apprentice: So your just


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Maritime apprentice meets with his captain for an induction.

While the apprentice is being shown around the ship and is enjoying his induction, he has a concern about spending months at sea at a time in the back of his mind.
Once the induction is complete and the tour of the ship is over, the captain asks the young man if he has any questions.
"Just one sir" the apprentice replies, " Forgive my abruptness, but I'm still a you


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What do you call an apprentice Baker?

A special bread student.

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A priest is about to die,

A fellow apprentice is with him, during his last days,



During the last moments the dying priest says "I will do everything in my power to get in contact with you once i'll be... there you know"



Quite surprised of this the apprentice nods and listens carefully to this warning.

The Priest dies a few moments later (


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What did the Blacksmith say to his apprentice after hammering down the metal bar

"That's upsetting"

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An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You got lucky here"

\- "Ple


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An apprentice mortician is doing his first solo.

It turns out to be a 95 yo woman who died of natural causes. The head mortician thinks it should be a simple one to start, so he leaves the apprentice to his work and heads to his office.

About an hour later, the apprentice comes and asks him for help.

“What is it?” The head mortician asks.

“She has a pickle between her legs, and I’


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Hit on the head

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.


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Son was fired from his job as a butchers apprentice..

Son "Dad I've been fired from my job"

Dad "Why. What did you do?"

Son "I was putting my penis in the meat slicer and the boss caught me"

Dad "Well what happened to the meat slicer?"

Son "He sacked her as well"

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A french pastry chef asked his apprentice to bake a shit cake.

After the cake was done, the pastry chef came back gagging.

I said a sheet cake! A sheet cake!

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The Computer Nerd and His Apprentice

So, I have a story about a wise old computing nerd and his new technological apprentice. He wanted to tell his young child some core life morals, as well as teach about old technology.

The wise man first showed the kid a polaroid camera. The kid quickly took it, and snapped a photo, but was very confused when the picture did not immediately show. The kid did everything to the picture


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A famous pirate ship was docking in a free port...

Because the captain needs to find a wood workshop to fix his ship.He finally found one,and upon entering it,he saw a skilled apprentice.When asked to repair the ship,the apprentice was eager to join the crew,but the captain didn't want to let him in as there were enough crewmembers.So the captain said:

"Fix my ship fences for free and i might let you aboard"


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Hit it on the head



The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.


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I did an apprenticeship on apprenticeships.

In the end I got hired as an apprentice.

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After watching "The Apprentice" a TV exec thought to himself "We should cast this guy to play president!"

That show is now called the news.

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A native American shaman had an apprentice

One day the apprentice said to his mentor, "You take long trip. I try be shaman for summer."

The shaman asked, "Why should I take trip?"

The apprentice tried bribery. "If you take trip, I feed you belly full."

The shaman agreed, so the apprentice gave his mentor a big meal, and the next day the shaman left on his long trip.


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A blacksmith is stressed

So he goes into his shop and starts holding a sword straight against the grindstone. His apprentice comes in and asks
"What are you doing?"

"Oh just taking the edge off"

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A Master and his Apprentice

So, The Apprentice thinks he's ***better*** than His Master.

And he challenges This Master to a contest.

A ***painting*** contest. Paint the better painting.

They take a whole ***year*** to finish them.

And then they both show up in front of An Audience.

They’re outside, right? With a Crowd. And the two of them got their p


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An Old Man and a Young Man are watching a play. The young man having issues with his wife, notices the Old Man staring at him. When he asks whats wrong, the old man replies:

Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise? I thought not. It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you. It’s a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life… He had such a knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying. The dar


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Do you smell gas?

A plumber and his apprentice are working on a house when the plumber turns and says

"do you smell gas?"

The apprentice replies - "no, I can't even smell my own name"

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A medic walks into a bar



On Halloween, dressed up as darth plageous the wise.

While their he decides to have a few drinks and tell stories of how he can save others from death. During the next few hours more people surround him to listen to his stories and check out his costume, he also becomes increasingly drunk. Sometime later this super ripped bodybuilder walks in and orders a pint of beer.


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A psychic looked into the future..

She saw a billboard of multiple penises ejaculating.

She left her trance in shock. Her apprentice, worried, asked "What did you see?"

The psychic said somberly "A sign of things to cum..."

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A psychic looked into the future..

She saw a billboard of multiple penises ejaculating.

She left her trance in shock. Her apprentice, worried, asked "What did you see?"

The psychic said somberly "A sign of things to cum..."

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A man walks into a barber shop every day and asks the barber what time he closes shop.

He never gets a cut. Only asks. The barber grows frustrated and asks his apprentice to follow the man after he asks to see who he is and why he might be asking. The apprentice returns shortly after. The barber asks "well, where did he go?" The apprentice replies "your house."

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What did the giant prostitution say to their apprentice?

“You will always live in my shadow, literally and metawhorically”

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Instruction

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad: “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil, and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.


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I couldnt figure out why the season of The Apprentice I was watching was going on for so long. Each week someone gets fired, but we never seem to get down to the final winner!

Then I realized, I was just watching the news.

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Get me a phillips screwdriver

Based on a true story.

A mechanic working on a car that was outside the workshop. He needed a phillips screwdriver. He told his new apprentice 'Get me a phillips screwdriver'.

The apprentice ran off into the workshop. After 20 minutes he still hadn't returned. Frustrated, the mechanic went and got the tool himself and finished the job. Another 15 minutes pa


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What did the sith do that the jedi didn't?

They told the story of darth plagueis the wise. Oh, you haven't heard of it? I thought not. It's not a story the Jedi would tell you. It's a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life... He had such a knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep the ones he cared about fr


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The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice

His new apprentice was willing to work long, hard hours.

One day he instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.”

The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith.


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Just heard this joke from my dad: A newly hired salesman in a department store is being taught by his manager how to handle sales...

The manager tells him that he'll help the first customer, and show him how to make the most of a sales opportunity, and then he'll let him try.

A customer walks in, so the manager approaches him and says: "Good evening, sir! How may I help you?"

"I'd like to buy some grass seeds.", says the customer.

"Excellent, we have


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Decorating the Morgue

A painter and his 16 year old apprentice are painting the walls of a morgue, the apprentice comes running back from another room and says "They've just brought a really attractive girl in, but there's a slight problem..." The painter says "Go on, whats the problem" The apprentice explains "it's just that there is a prawn hanging from her fanny" So, they


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The fence builder

A fencer and his apprentice had just finished a day of work when a storm hit. They took shelter inside, and watched to see if their fence would hold up to the weather. All was fine, until halfway through the storm, when the apprentice noticed that part of the fence had fell down.
"The post holding the middle up has fallen over!"

"Don't worry, boy, we'l


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What did the Jedi proctologist say to his apprentice.

"These are not the 'roids you're looking for"

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The Fog Monster

Long, long ago, there was a village which had its very existence constantly threatened by a terrible fog monster. For a while, none would trade with the village, for even outsiders feared this hostile aberration, which could attack without warning and slay an army without leaving a trace. Several generations of villagers had to live off of fortune alone, praying to their cruel gods that they might


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A Blacksmith in Ancient Palestine asks his Apprentice, "where are the nails?"

Once in Ancient Palestine a Blacksmith walks into his shop one morning to find his apprentice sharpening blades and kindling the forge. As the Blacksmith searched the shelves he couldn't find the nails. He asked his apprentice, "I've been searching for them all morning. Where are the nails?"



The Apprentice looked up solemnly and replied, "They�


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I couldnt figure out why the season of The Apprentice I was watching was going on for so long. Each week someone gets fired, but we never seem to get down to the final winner!

Then I realized, I was just watching CNN.

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What do you hear on Presidential Apprentice immediately after condemning your boss boss?

[deleted]

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What did the spiritual waffle say to his apprentice?

Leggo your ego!

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A blacksmith is training his apprentice...

He asks the lad: "Have you ever shoed a horse before?"

The lad replies: "No, but I once told a donkey to fuck off."

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A Native American Shaman Had an Apprentice

One day the apprentice said to his mentor, "You take long trip. I try be shaman for summer."

The shaman asked, "Why should I take trip?"

The apprentice tried bribery. "If you take trip, I feed you belly full."

The shaman agreed, so the apprentice gave his mentor a big meal, and the next day the shaman left on his long trip.


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A burglar broke into an old man's house.

He attempted to steal his trophies. The old man showed up.
It turns out those trophies were earned because the man was a taekwondo master. Instead of beating the crap out of the burglar he took him in as his apprentice. Years the later the former burglar was a master himself. But, the old man was dying. On his death bed he said to the new master. "You remember my trophies. You cannot t


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I sent the apprentice out to get some tea bags..

The kid asked, "What type?"

To which I said, "Get some C. U. N. Tea."

He was gone for quite a while and came back with a black eye but no tea.

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I send the apprentice out to get some tea bags..

[deleted]

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Two Mississippi carpenters

are building a house, the lead carpenter on one end, and his apprentice on the other. After a while the lead carpenter hears a ting ta ting. Then he hears it again, and again, and again. Curious, he heads to the other side of the house to see if his apprentice hears it too. When he comes up on the other side of the house, he is shocked to see his apprentice throwing nails away as he is working. He


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What did the Sewage Worker say to his apprentice?

Urine for a surprise.
^^^^^sorry

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