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Jokes

I went back to see my doctor yesterday.

I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."


"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.


I said, "On the bus!"

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What kind of lotion do authors apply at the beach?

Writers block.

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What do you do ifwhen your girlfriend starts smoking?

Stop. Pull out and apply lubricant.

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What does Wilbur apply to himself when he falls down and scrapes his knee?

Oinkment

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Applying cream

I went back to see my doctor today.

I said, "I applied the hemmeroid cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."

"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.

I replied "on the bus."

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Facebook now hiring

No need to apply, they already have all your details

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What's the best way to win a free trip to Central America?

Apply for asylum in the US

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The rules of weed DO NOT apply to pussy...

 

 

If you can smell it from across the room, it isn't the good shit.

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Mr. Epstein is no longer allowed within one mile of my school.

Not sure how I'm supposed to apply for that massage therapy internship, now.

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My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die.

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Does anyone else love a good deal? Save $200 on an Iphone Xs or Galaxy S10 . Terms apply.

Let's be honest, you'd much rather click on this link than the Google Pixel Ad.

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The Gynaecologists Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more.

"Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their under


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The Gynaecologist's Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more.

"Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their under


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Leg bite

me: \[googling\] what do I do - leg bleeding raccoon bite

google: elevate and apply pressure

me: \[lifting raccoon real high\] apologize or else !

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

' Z A S T R Z E Z Y N S K I '

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

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Why do male, Mexicans get better jobs out of college?

Because they can apply for señor positions.

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This Irishman

This Irishman was walking through a forest and he saw a sign that said "Tree fellows wanted. apply within"

So off he went to get his two mates.

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Im going to pay off all of the student loans of college graduates graduating next year...

...in hopes they don’t learn the responsibilities of financial management. Also, apply for my new 48% APR credit card I am offering at the start of January!

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APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

I refer to the recent death of the Technical Manager at your company and hereby apply for the replacement of the deceased manager.

Each time I apply for a job, I get a reply that there is no vacancy but in this case I have caught you red-handed and you have no excuse because I even attended his funeral to be sure that he was truly dead and buried before applying.

Attached


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I tried to be nice by holding the door open for a girl but apparently, chivalry doesn't apply to bathroom stalls

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I would apply for a job measuring the Kelvin scale...

... but I have zero degrees.

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Wyoming man arrested

A man in Wyoming was arrested over the weekend for allegedly shoplifting after he returned to the same store to apply for a job. He wasn't able to fit into the police car due to the fact that his balls were too big.

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Terms and Conditions Apply

"Tick Accept" -NEXT

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Like a once wise old man said...

A key that opens many doors is a master key and the lock that opens with any key is useless.









If you apply this to sex it works.

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A mechanic turned doctor

I went to a mechanic turned doctor for my constipation problems.

All he did was apply grease to my anus.

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a drivers license

First, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with te letters C Z W I N O S T A C Z.

“Can you read this?” the optician asked.

“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”

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I tried to apply for an Australian citizenship and they asked me if I had a criminal record

I replied “no, is that still a requirement?”

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Whyd the blonde math major only apply to colleges in South Africa?

She wanted to attend a party school where she couldn’t fail at integrating.

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I asked a genie to double my girlfriend's intelligence.

He said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.

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New Career

Met some guys from another department at work. We had lunch. Afterwards, one of the guys said, "We like you. There's a position opening up in a few weeks. You should apply, and we'll help you get it. It certainly pays more than your making now."

Got lunched into a new career.

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You can be stoned to death for gay sex and adultery in Brunei now.

These new laws even apply to children and foreigners.

The children don’t have to worry about adultery though.

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You'll have to travel to Oxford

A bloke goes into the jobcentre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a gynaecologists assistant, interested he goes to find out more..
'Can you give me some more details about this?' He said to the guy behind the desk.
The jobcentre guy shifts through his files and replies 'ah yes, I've had quite a few enquiries about this one, the job involves you getting


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A redneck suffered a nasty fall...

So he visited a physician and sought treatment.

“Apply this ointment to the area where injury was sustained,” the doctor said.

The redneck happily left the clinic and proceeded to liberally apply ointment on the sidewalk where he fell.

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One professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.

Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him:

&q


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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

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After R Kelly gets out of prison, he decides to go apply for a job at McDonalds because its his favorite. The interviewer asked what separates him apart from others who applied?

He said, I believe I can fryyyyyy

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A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend and immediately gets concerned about his nighttime routine. Every night he takes a 2 hour shower and goes to bed complaining that his arms hurt. She also noticed that he has an entire closet full of shampoo. After a few weeks she can't take it anymore and decides she'll convince him to take a shower together. The shower seems to be p


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What college did the calf apply to?

CowTech

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An anti-vax mom is at a cashier

"you should give me a discount! It's my son's 3rd birthday", She says

The cashier then replied "in that case, I'll apply the senior discount"

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I hope I never apply for a job that drug tests.

Cuz I don't know shit about drugs.

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Trump cuts a deal after impeachment

He gives up his fortune, is not allowed to work or invest in any industry that he was previously in, and only has a very minimal amount of money to get himself started.

Everybody thought he would end up under a bridge or jumping off a bridge in no time, but love him or hate him, he is one stubborn, determined sonofabitch.

He opens up a small business, something he never e


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Girl: Come on. Push it harder.

Boy: I'm trying but it's smaller that I expected. I'll apply some lube. *Applies lube*

Boy: **Ughhh....ughhhhh**

Girl: Aaahhh...it hurts. Leave it honey. Lets search for another ring.

​

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I went to Australia house today to apply for a visa...

The woman at the counter said “everything looks good but I have to check if you have a criminal record”

I replied “Oh I didn’t know you still needed one”

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How do you get anyonesa girls number

Become a lunch volunteer,
“Can I get your lunch number?”

This joke kinda only apply to schools and such

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A Jew living in the Soviet Union applies for an exit visa so he could emigrate to Israel.

As a result, he is summoned to the KGB headquarters.

“I see that you applied to move to Israel?” asks the KGB officer. The Jewish man nods.

“Here in Russia, don’t you have food to eat?”

“Yeah, I can’t complain.”

“And here in Russia, don’t you have place to live?”


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Three men were discussing about their abnormally small features.

The first man said, "I should apply for the world records, my arm is extremely small. I'm sure I could win."

The second man responded, "Definitely! While we're at it, I should apply for the record for smallest leg. It's so tiny."

The third man agreed, and added, "I should also compete for smallest brain. I've never seen less in


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Job hunting joke

When you apply to 100 jobs in one day and the next day get only one email asking for an interview. I imagine thanos in the corner saying “all that for a drop of blood”

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Why did a grieving Michael Jordan apply for a KFC job in Tokyo?

Because he bereaves he can fry.

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A guy suffering with haemorrhoids regularly visits his physician for his ointment application.

This time the physician was on leave for the weekend, so he goes home and asks his wife’s help to apply his ointment instead. So he gets ready by going down on all fours, and the wife begins to apply the ointment. After a while he realises that his wife is resting only one hand on his shoulder and inquires what was she busy doing with the other hand? The wife calmly replies that she is apply


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