Anxious

Jokes

Why do some drivers get anxious when driving on old bridges?

They have truss issues

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A very hungry man is waiting to order at the breakfast counter ... then

The waitress comes over and the man eagerly says "I'll have a cup of coffee and a tall stack of pancakes"

The waitress scribbles notes on her pad asks "Is that all, sir?"

"Yes" says the anxious hungry man as he closes the menu and hands it to her - he continues, "will they be long?"

The waitress quickly replies, &q


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My son asked me for help with paying for his transgender surgery. I was initially kind of on the fence and anxious...

I ultimately told him I would help but stressed to him that he realize that this kind of transaction takes balls.

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I actually had anxiety for so long I went to a psychiatrist. And I said to the guy, 'I'm constantly anxious. What do I do?'

He told me I had obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I was shocked. I had to call him nine times to make sure he was certain.

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Typically you can tell how anxious someone is by looking at their finger nails

Alternatively you can tell how flexible an anxious person is by looking at their toe nails

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An old couple had been married for many years. They loved each other very much, but there was one thing which had been annoying the woman through all the the years:

Every morning when they woke up, her husband would let out the nastiest wet and loud farts.
Over the years she had asked with him to stop, or at least wait till he got to the toilet, but no matter how much she pleaded with him, he still refused to change his ways.
Finally she decided to teach him a lesson.
One evening, when he had fallen asleep, she slipped a couple of meters o


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There's an easy way to get past any insecurities or anxious feelings when going to a nude beach.

Just imagine everyone is naked.

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Billy's father picked him up from school.

He was anxious to find out about Billy's tryout for the school play.

Billy told him, "Dad, I got a part! I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son," said his dad. "Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll give you a speaking part."


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What do you call an anxious dancer?

Panic! At the disco

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SWEETIE I HAVE A SURPRISE

Tom and Mary were walking in the woods. It was dark. Mary looked anxiously over at Tom. Something was wrong.

« Tom, are you okay?? »
« I’m fine, just walk. »

Tom’s voice was aggressive and he clenched his fists. Turning away from her, he sighed; Mary saw a cold metallic object in his left hand. Tom looked back


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Does anybody have that anxious compulsion to avoid uncomfortable silence in conversation yeah me neither

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What do you tell someone who has diarrhea and anxious at the same time?

*Don’t lose your shit*

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How an anxious black man is called?

A **n**eager

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Why was the hamster anxious at work?

Because his job didn’t pay a high enough celery.

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On Mars, the rover begins a new day by opening its solar panel to charge up when there's sunlight...

But this time it hits something.

The scientists are puzzled. There was nothing there when it last went to sleep. Anxious, they use the last of its energy turning its camera around. It was an Earth feline.

Curiosity killed a cat

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The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."

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Feeling stressed Im driving through town and I need to know if I can get a quick fuck session in. I need a big dick willing to fuck my pussy and ass!! I get really anxious and stressed out when I drive and I think you can really help me out of that.My details you will get here http:bit.doeHEPr

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A list of the worlds most popular drugs and their (long term) effects.

\- Nicotine: you create a need for a need that wasn't a need in the first place, did you really need that?

\- Alcohol: suddenly you think it's funny insulting everyone, including yourself, enjoy the liver stings and the dance with death

\- Marihuana: some say it isn't addictive but if you're a long term daily user I dare you to quit now, good night,


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I get anxious when I watch Game of Thrones with my parents, because of all the sex.

Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.

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I told my therapist I felt anxious.

He called me a hypochondriac.

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A science teacher was explaining what Einstein did in his time.

A student had too many questions to ask so he politely waited until the end of the lesson to ask them.

The teacher had her next lesson in 30 seconds or so and the student hadn’t even started asking. The teacher looked stressed and anxious. She replied with ‘I haven’t got much, time!’


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I get anxious when I watch Game of Thrones with my parents, because of all the sex.

Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.

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Why was the Nail anxious?

Because he was worried he was gonna get screwed

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I got really anxious after I watched a play yesterday

I must have Post Dramatic Stress Disorder

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Stressed? Anxious? Unhappy?

Ask your doctor if alcoholism is right for you.

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I was supremely anxious

which is anxiety with all the toppings.

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A man dies and faces Yama, god of the dad. Anxious, he asks "I know I killed a man, but that man killed my son, so it was vengeance. Surely, that lessens the karma and I need not go to hell?" And Yama replies:

Sorry, ripostes get even more karma.

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Who made King Arthur very anxious?

Sir Prise!

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The other day I went to get my eyes tested.

I am quite an anxious person and thought I would try to crack a joke to break the awkward silence.


'Would you like to hear a joke?' I asked


The optometrist replied 'Sure! The cornea the better.'

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There are two men who each bring a gift to a woman each day.

One brings her a flower, and the other an apple. Each day, the woman gets more and more anxious about who she is more flattered by, and so asks each of them what their professions are. The first man says, "I am a doctor, and each flower I bring you costs $500. I truly love you, so may you please love me back?". Not to be unfair, the woman asks the other man what his profession is. He say


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My socially anxious friend got a PhD in palindromes.

He now goes by the title 'Dr Awkward'.

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The anxious young actor

He finally got a major part - in Shakespeare no less. He got the part of Shylock in an adaptation of 'The Merchant Of Venice'. He practiced his lines diligently, memorizing every one. On opening night his performance was flawless - that was until Act 4 Scene 1.

His line was "Madam, would you have me commit perjury upon my soul?"

Only it came out a


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I've been very anxious about being mugged while on holiday in mexico, so I've been taking Valium to calm my nerves.

So far I haven't had any Hispanic attacks.

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A blind man

Walks into a jewelry store with his service dog and stumbles around for a few seconds.

He stops and picks up the dog by the leash and starts swinging it around his head in a circle.

An anxious clerk runs over to him and asks: "are you OK, can I help you?!"

To which the blind man responded:
"No thanks, just having a look around..."


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What happens when a tree gets really anxious about its first swimming lesson?

It soils its trunks.

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Starting tomorrow I'm gonna stop being a depressed, anxious teenager.

That's right, I'm turning 20!

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My friend was really anxious and strict, but then he took some shrooms and then started to become more laid back.

What a fungi be around

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A priest and a lawyer are on a sinking ship

The priest yells, "women and children to the lifeboats first!". Then the lawyer, anxious to survive, says, "Fuck the children!" The priest replies, "do we have enough time?"

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Breastfeeding a baby

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when a gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said: "Come on, drink it or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nic


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So it's game night at a social group.

The social group contains an autisic person, an abuse victim, a socially anxious person, and a depressed person. What game do they choose?

They chose "Sorry!".

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A cop pulls over three elderly woman..

The cop says "M'am, do you realize you were going 15 mph in a 55?"

Old lady driver: " Ooo I must have been mistaken then, that sign over there says 15"

The cop laughs and says "M'am thats route 15; you're on route 15 right now"

Old lady driver: "I am so embarassed! Please forgive me"

The cop:


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Impatience

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to t


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A wife's empathy...

I come home stressed after a long day at work. My wife says, "Honey, I don't like it when you're not feeling good. When you're stressed it stresses me out, when you're anxious I'm anxious, when you're sad it makes me sad. Whatever you're feelings are I feel them too."

So I said, "Then how come when I'm horny you're not horny!


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An anxious man walks into a farmacy to buy a spefic type of condom.

"Sorry," says the chemist. "We don't have those in stock. Perhaps I could order them for you?"

The man is starting to get the sweats.

"Yes please!" exclaims the man, without hesitation.

"Alright then," replies the chemist, typing away at her computer. The man nervously glances at his watch. "I can have them he


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What is the syndrome that endangers the dental well-being of over-anxious or stressed-out LGBT's?

brucism

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Anxious to impress

Ian was very anxious to impress his girlfriend's parents so he was particularly pleased when they invited him round for dinner.

They all seemed to get on very well and the meal was a really sumptuous spread. Their hospitality knew no bounds and they constantly pressed him with extra helpings. In fact it was probably a mixture of their hospitality and his willingness to please th


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Why can't anxious people walk on tight ropes?

Because they're too high-strung.

Corny I know, but I wrote it myself and had to put it out there.

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Did you hear about the anxious gynaecologist?

...He got in a flap.

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If your'e anxious and you know it.....

...clasp your hands.

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A man goes to the doctor because his Penis is red.

He's sitting in the waiting room and he's growing more anxious by the minute. Another man sitting in the waiting room notices how anxious and upset he looks. He asks the man "What's wrong pal?" The first man replies "Well, umm, I'm here because my dick is read and I don't know what it means." The 2nd man says, "Holy shit, me too, I hope we'll


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