Dog in the front yard

There is a dog in the neighbours front yard sitting at an office desk, filling in forms, typing on a laptop and answering the phone.

The neighbour yells out, "I don't want your damn dog doing his business on my lawn!"

Funny Answering Machine Messages

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

This app is gay don't download it because it's gay and if you download it your gay so don't download it fuck this app don't download it's gay

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Why are you not answering the phone?

What has two wings and an arrow?

A Chinese man imitating a phone ringing and answering the call.

"Wing, wing, arr-ow?"

Whats black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

What's Black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

A tall persons guide to answering bull crap

Q. Do you play basketball?

A. Do you play mini gulf?



Q. What’s the weather up there?

A. 100% chance of rain *spits*



Q. Can you reach that for me?

A. I can, would you like me to?

Whats dark and loud?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron

Everyday my very old neighbour who has alzhiemers knocks on my door and asks me if I've seen his wife.

And everyday I have to tell that old man his wife has been dead the past 2 years.


I've thought of not answering the door I have even thought about moving house.

But you know iyts worth it, just to see the smile on his face each time..

A year ago I was a blonde teenage girl who has found two boyfriends...

One of em is a Doctor, He gives me a rose every day and says “You are gorgeous like this flower.”
Other one is an Engineer, He gives me an apple and says “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”
Tomorrow I’m going to marry the doctor. I’m sick of 350+ Siris answering for my command.

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A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game...

After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment: Write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is a city in Africa.

After the three minutes had passed, the priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

​

"I was a father all my life,

I had no childre

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I have a 90 year old neighbor with Alzheimers

Who asks me every single morning if I’ve seen his wife.
Now, you have to know his wife has been dead for years and I’ve thought about not answering the door every morning or even moving, but I end up telling him that she’s dead just to see that big smile on his face.

Credit A Jeselnik

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Answering the phone: Joe's Ho's

We pimp it!

You pump it!

What does answering a colorful telephone sound like?

Green green.. yellow?

A man scratching his chin out of confusion is clutching a phone receiver.

The voice coming from the receiver says: "This is the answering machine of the self-help association for Alzheimer patients. If you still remember your topic, please speak after the tone."

Where's the beef ?

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.

"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bouraguiginon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone,

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An old and derelict man approaches a home looking for work

He knocks on the door and asks the female homeowner if there is any work he can do for pay. The women says, "You can paint our porch. There is a bucket of green paint out back. It's self-explanatory and I will pay you $50 when you are done." The man thanks the woman and proceeds to walk to the backyard.

A half hour passes and the man knocks on the door again. Answering

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I knew a Dutch girl that used to wear inflatable shoes. She stopped answering my calls.

It later turned out that she'd popped her clogs.

Whats black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

2 blondes are walking down the street...

When they pass by a lightpost that had a "for sale" sign hanging off it. The first blonde start banging at the lightpost, so the second blonde exclaims "What the hell are you doing!"

Blonde1: "It says "For Sale" so im knocking but no one is answering the door"

Blonde2: "That's weird. The lights are on."

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How do you ace a terrorist group's entrance exam?

By answering "allah the above".

"Hi maam, would you mind answering a question for a survey?"

"Yes sure," she replied, "what's the question?"

"Do you think sexual predators should be required to identify themselves?"

"Yes, of course!" she answered.

"Well, I'm James Murray."

What goes "helloaaaeeeeeeyyaaauuugghhhh!!!!!"?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

I had a job answering the phone for people

It wasn’t for me

Kid: Dad, what are condoms used for?

Dad: Usually to avoid answering questions like these.

US Olympic skier Peekaboo Street once worked at a hospital.

She was fired on her first day because she kept answering the phone "Peekaboo, ICU".

A woman is in the middle of intercourse when her phone rings. "That was my husband," she tells her partner after answering it.

"He said he's going to be late tonight because he's gone out drinking with you."

I gave my dwarf friend a call but it rang through to his answering machine.

"Hey! I'm sorry I can't reach the phone right now, please leave a message!"

My wife is accusing me of being addicted to rjokes...

What do you guys think? Should I put down the phone and start answering her?

Well, there was only one thing I could say when I walked into the wrong motel room answering a Craigslist ad.

.
.
.
.
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Wrong sub

What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

The shits.

Dude goes to a doctor and says "My stomach hurts"

The doctor examines it and decides to give him some medications.

The doctor says "You consume these on mondays to fridays"

Dude replies "What about saturday and sunday?"

The doctor ends the conversation by answering "One saturday and sunday you stop consuming the

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So a guy gets shipwrecked on an island with nothing but a dog and a goat.

As time passes, he decides he needs some action, and, well, the goats not lookin half bad.

However, anytime the man tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous, snaps at him and won’t let him by.

Eventually, another ship wrecks, this time carrying a blonde babe. Just absolutely gorgeous. The man looks to the heavens, thanks God for answering his prayers,

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How many of you forgave your enemies?

During Sunday mass, the priest asked the crowd:

-"How many of you forgave your enemies?"

Around 80% of them raised their hands. The priest then asked: "And how many of you intend to forgive your enemies?", and almost everyone's hand was now in the air. Everyone except a feeble, old lady in the front row.

-"Ms. Rogers, don't

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This is Armenian Radio our listeners asked us: Is it possible to build socialism in Sahara desert?

We are answering: “Possible, but you will end up with a shortage of sand.”

At a job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?

Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics.

Interviewer: Could you give me an example?

Me: Yes, yes I could.

I hate when people ask me what I'll be doing in 2 years.

It's a very personal question that I am not very comfortable answering

IAMA person who hates answering questions. AMA!

The answering protocol for the psychiatric hotline.

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

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What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron

What do you get when God stops answering your prayers?

The Holy ghost.

Intimate bathroom conversation . . .

I was in a men's room and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next stall.

He said, “Hi, how are you?” Embarrassed I said, “I am doing fine.”

The voice said, “So what are you up to?” I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”

From the next stall came, “Can I come over?” Anno

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A public toilet

I was in a public toilet and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next cubicle, he said: “Hi! How are you?”
Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”. The voice said “ So what are you up to?”. I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”. He said, “Can I come over?”. Annoyed, I said, “Rather busy right now

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What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

What is black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

What is black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

What goes "Ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, AAARRRRGHHHH!!!"?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

A man riding a balloon gets stuck in a tree...

Seeing a man pass by below he asks, excuse me Sir, could you tell me where I am?

The man below thinks a while and finally responds: you are in a balloon.

The man in the balloon asks: are you a mathematician?

Well yes I am! How do you know?

Well, first because you thought thoroughly before answering me
Secondly, you were absolutely right,

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What is black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.