Announce

Jokes

If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...

Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!

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Andrew Yang said if he wins the nomination he would immediately announce his running mate Ying.

He wants a balanced administration.

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So excited to announce that Ive finally gone viral!

I have bronchitis.

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For our anniversary, I gave my wife a dart and a map of the world and told her, when she throws it, wherever it lands is where we are going.

I'm pleased to announce that we are spending 2 weeks in August in the skirting board.

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For our honeymoon I got a map of the world

For our honeymoon I got a map of the world, gave my wife a dart, and said we'd go wherever the dart lands!

I'm happy to announce in August were going to spend a lovely two weeks by the fucking skirting board!

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Proud to announce that Ive just started writing a boo

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50 fun things to do in an elevator

1. Make race car noises when people get on and off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"

4. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5. Sell Gir


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How do Led Zeppelin band members announce that they're climaxing?

Valhalla, I am coming!

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When people announce they're taking a break from social media on social media:

Me: "Alexa, set timer for one day"

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Every morning at breakfast, I announce loudly to my family that Im going for a jog, and then I dont.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

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Whos job is it to announce the end of April?

Billy “May’s here”

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I dont know why people are so dramatic..

Because whenever I announce there’s an earthquake, people get shook..

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Back during the Cold War, the CIA, FBI and KGB decide to have a contest...

To prove they are the best secret service in the world, they'll have to find a rabbit in a forest.

​

CIA go first. After 24 hours, they get out of the forest and announce that they listened to every conversation in the forest, checked for strange lights in the sky, overthrowed the King Stag, and that they can conclude that no rabbit has ever lived in


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French Intelligence agencies are pleased to announce today that they have developed very sophisticated Yves-dropping techniques.

Unfortunately, Yves did not survive the fall.

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How to announce to everyone that bitch cheated on you

You: I'm taking my son to the beach

Friend: which beach

You: my wife

Friend: ...ok

You: precisely

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Im pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

Bonus: Redditors' motto-
REDUCE
REUSE
REPOST

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Every morning for the past few months, I announce loudly at breakfast that Im going jogging, and then I dont.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

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It is with a heavy heart that I must announce that I have hypertrophic cardiomiopathy

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Why did it take Joe so long to officially announce his 2020 campaign?

He was Biden his time.

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Reddit is proud to announce we have switched to 100 recycled materials.

Edit: to clarify we meant on our websites content. We don’t recycle at the office itself.

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With these allegations against Joe Biden he may not announce his Presidential run

or maybe he is just Biden his time

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A man goes to the Apple store

To upgrade his iPhone, wondering why all the new products looked the same as the old but had a plus next to them.

He asked an employee who said, "yeah if we add a plus next to the products people think they're better than the really are."

Later that night as the man was getting frisky with his girlfriend, she rolled her eyes as he excitedly disrobed. "


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Really excited to announce that after 4 years of writing, I finally got my book on reverse psychology published!!!

Do *NOT* read it.

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Former Vice President Joes taking forever to announce running in 2020

I guess he’s just Biden his time.

I wonder what his decision dePence on, is he afraid that he will be Chene’d to it?

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We are proud to announce that the new Samsung Galaxy phone will...

Have the highest version number ever!

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The Modern Generation: Nintendo Switch and cell phones have taught...

The modern generation the skills needed for a silent orgasm, while YouTube has taught them to shout and announce it like a football (soccer) match.

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EA used back stories to announce that some characters in Apex Legend were LGBT.

But it would be weird if they used back stories to announce that some characters were straight.

“Laura is a stealthy assassin highly skilled with long range weapons. In her off time, Laura loves hooking up with random guys and eating ass.”

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Happy to announce that Im no longer broke!

I’m beyond that point and am now drowning in debt.

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I'm pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content...

Just doing my bit.

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Im pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 91% recycled content.

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Im pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

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Im pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 9 green companies in the world.

The front page is **now** made up of over 90.1% recycled content.

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Im pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

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I worked as an Emergency Dispatcher, and Im happy to announce

911 was an inside job!

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Why did the waiter delay until after converting English menus to Spanish to announce they weren't the gender everyone thought?

Because they were happy to serve as trans later.

🤣🤣🤣

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How do you get japs all in the same place?

publicly announce a sale on Toyota cars

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Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that Im going for a jog, and then I dont.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

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What does a handheld GPS announce just before the arrival at the strip club?

"You have arrived at your masturbation."

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After years of research, scientists were ready to announce the cure for schizophrenia.

Things went south when they realized it was all in their heads.

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My wife asked me to hang a painting today, but I had never done it before. I struggled all day, tried so many things and I'm proud to announce that at the end of the day...

I nailed it!

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A local sofa shop owner crowdsourced his business name on social media to be more relevant with young people.

The following day, he produced a commercial to announce the new name.


>"Our prices are low, we want you to come!

>So come on down, we're Sofa Kingdom!"

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I had a problem with my pubic hair being longer than my penis a while back, I just couldnt GROW out of it.

However, I am proud to announce that this is no LONGER the case.

Because I now shave my pubes daily.

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My son asked me if I would buy him a new bike.

I said: "Son, if you really want something in life you have to work for it."

Then I told him to be quiet because they were just about to announce the lottery numbers

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I have been doing a fair bit of film and media work recently and that kinda got me reminiscing...

When I was younger, I promised my parents that one day I’d be a household name. Today, I’m delighted to announce that thanks to deed poll I’m now called “129 Potters Avenue”.

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In an attempt to rebrand, the Democrats announce that they will change their name from the "Democratic Party" to the "Mario Party".

It's to celebrate more than three decades of moving from the left to the right.

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Proud to announce my dream of becoming a criminal lawyer is halfway complete!

Just working on the lawyer part now.

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Im proud to announce my dream of being a criminal lawyer is halfway complete!

I’m just working on the lawyer part right now.

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Bethesda: "We know fans have been waiting a long time for this, but its a game we wanted to get right for a long time. Finally, we are proud to announce to our awesome fans...."

You can now play Skyrim on your microwave!

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We are sorry to announce that we are out of diapers, Poise, and Attends.

We apologize for any incontinence.

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The Moscow State Circus are sad to announce...

The passing of their Human Cannonball.
A spokesman said they hoped that one day they might be able to find a replacement, but aren't sure they'll ever find another man of his calibre.

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