Animal

Jokes

What is the internet's favorite animal?

The lynx.

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Why is illegal to shoot niggers?

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My spiritual animal is Eeyore

I'm a depressed jackass

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I really have to pull out all the stops to convince the wife to make love

Light some candles for a romantic atmosphere, scented oils, a sacrificial goat and its blood to draw the pentagram, and she still screams "who are you?! Is that a dead animal? Why is there blood every where? The house is on fire!"

Things got pretty lit

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My friend caught me typing "trans-midget anal animal porn" into Bing

I was really embarrassed, and after 10 minutes of me begging and pleading with him, he finally agreed not to tell anyone that he'd caught me using bing.

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I traded five of my rolex wathces for a ballon animal...

It really was a waste of time.

(Sorry for any bad english and what not, nord typing)

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To the person who stole my animal skins

You can run, but you can't HIDE.

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What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is a big heavy animal the other is a little lighter.

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We are saddened to hear of the tragic loss that took place in North Korea's zoo today.

It appears that every animal has died of a mysterious illness, except for one. It's a shih tzu.

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My friend went to the zoo the other day. Turns out the only animal they had was a dog.

Must've been a shih tzu.

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My town was so poor it had a really run down zoo

My town was so poor it had a really run down zoo

At the end they only had one animal to exhibit...a dog.

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It was a Shih Tzu

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What do you call a white kid whos also a furry?

An animal cracker

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What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches?

The Deli Llama.

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What do elephants have that no other animal has?

Baby Elephants.

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Animal Puns: Why aren't Koalas considered bears?

They do not have the necessary Koalafications!

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Shamelessly copied from 9gag!

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What animal is black, blind, and does not eat meat?

Stevie Wonder

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I would never joke about animal abuse.

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I hate corny animal puns.

For Fox sake, please stop them!

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A woman is doing yard work, pulling weeds and clipping grass, when she suddenly cuts off her cats tail. She runs inside with the poor animal and commands her husband: Get in the car! We Have to get to Walmart Her husband asks, Why Walmart?

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Animal agriculture: We didn't start the fire.

Amazon: It was always burning
Since the world's been turning

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A man walks into a zoo

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Which animal is best known for adultry?

Cheetah.

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Snake-headed raccoon

A man goes to the hardware store, and says he needs an animal with the head of a snake and the body of a raccoon. The store keeper asks him what the heck he needs a snake-headed raccoon for. The man explains that his yard is full of leaves, and needs tidying. The store keeper asks the man how such an abomination of nature could possibly help him clean up his yard. The man replies: "Well an an


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I told my friends the ASPCA said we could help an animal for $0.63 a day....

For some reason they hand me $4.41 a week now.

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What animal exists of 75 wool?

A wolf ;)

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Is breast milk vegan?

No. Because it's a product of animal suffering.

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How do you stop a cute animal?

You just press paws

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I went to the zoo today...

There was only one animal. It was a dog. It was a shih tzu.

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I went to a really bad zoo. It had only one animal, a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

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What does an animal lover do when they are threatened with the phrase "I'm gonna kick your ass"?

They go and protect the nearest donkey they can find.

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My personal twist on good ol' 4295

A squirrel walks into a bar and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"

The bartender replies, "As luck would have it, we're having a special on grapes today! Only $2.99 for a bowl."

The squirrel orders a bowl, sits down and tucks in. After taking a few bites, he begins moaning with pleasure. No one in the bar says anything because they are too embarrasse


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Why are Cheetahs the fastest animal?

Because they move on so damn quickly

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Why are ants the healthiest creatures in the animal kingdom?

Because they have billions of little antibodies.

Ha.

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What sea animal likes hugs the most?

The cuddlefish

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Why arent there more streamers under fire for animal abuse?

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I would save an animal over a human any day.

Because all humans suck. All animals are good.

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What animal is 80 wool?

A woolf.

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Some kind of animal busted a nut in my backyard...

Must've been a squirrel.

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Hello, I'm looking for the school of animal neurology.

Ah, you'll want to visit the hippocampus then.

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Everyone keeps telling me "Kick ass dude!"

Now I'm in jail with an animal cruelty lawsuit

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What do you call an overweight animal?

Obeastity

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A Student asks a Professor...

Student: Professor, can I ask you something?

Professor: Sure.

Student: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?

Professor: I dont know

Student: Its simple, you open the fridge and put him in. I have another question.

Professor: Go ahead

Student: How do you put an ape into a fridge?

Professor: Very simple, y


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A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

It’s a shitzu

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Heres a direct translation of a very funny joke from Spanish: Which animal goes around on one foot?

A male duck! Obviously!

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What animal goes baa-woof!

A sheepdog.

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(first date)Her: If you could pick, what kind of animal would you be-

Me: Bird

 

Her: aww, so you could fl-

 

Me: I like worms

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I went to a zoo where there was only one animal and it was a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

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Whats the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear.

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Need a ship that can hold two of every animal?

I Noah guy..

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A man was walking naked in a wildlife park.

All the animals began to run away.
A lion ran past a deer who had no idea what what was going on.

Completely confused, the deer asked: "Why the heck are we even running?"

The lion replied: "Are you kidding me? Haven't you seen that strange animal with the tail in front?"

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