Angel

Jokes

St. Peter was giving an angel their first tour of Heaven. "We keep the Holy Cow in that big red barn, the Holy Mackerel in that crystal blue lake over there. I guess I don't have to tell you what we keep in there..."

He said, pointing at the bathrooms.

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I would right a book about my love for Phantom of the Opera...

...but the Angel of Music is very strict.

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It could be worse

An angel said to another angel who broke their halo that it could be worse.

A rich man who was divorced from his wife said to himself that it could be worse.

A mom told her son whose xbox broke told him it could be worse.

A poor person who broke their arm said it could be worse.

Two devils were down in Hell talking about their shitty situation, w


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A kayak instructor and a priest sit at the gates of heaven.

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An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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An angel asked God, Why did you make sex so good for the humans?

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A woman is on her husband Victor's funeral

Woman: God is gonna make you turn around in your grave for every time you cheated on me...

Then the woman dies. While she was being judged she asks an angel: Do you know where Victor is?

Angel: IDK, there is a lot of Victor's here.

Woman: My husband Victor

Angel: Ohhhhh... You mean Victor the Ventilator.


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So three close friends pass away and all go to heaven.

The angel welcomes them and shows them around.

At the end of the tour angel tells them:

\- "Since the heaven is huge you guys need car, so that you could easily travel around. So, the criteria for getting the car is like this: - I ask you a question and you give me a honest answer"

They all agree and the angel asks the first guy:

\-


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There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very much aggrieved because he had worked very hard for his money, and he wanted to be able to take it with him to Heaven.

So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”

The man implored the angel to speak to God to


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Man dies and goes to heaven

Man dies and goes to heaven, he is greeted by an angel. The angel takes him to a room full of clocks. Surprised, the man asks the angel as to why there are so many clocks. The angel replies “Every man has a clock, every time he lies the clock moves one second”.

The man asks to show Lincoln’s clock. Angel says “here, it has moved only one second”. The man


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A man goes to heaven and is greeted by an angel who shows him around the place


"Over there is a local restaurant, it's guaranteed to have your favorite meal there" said the angel

"And over there is a theater, and to the left, there's a swimming pool"

The angel soon finishes the tour and finds that the man is overjoyed.

The angel had one more thing to say though, "going to the gym on a daily basi


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A man goes to heaven and is greeted by an angel who shows him around the place.

"Over there is a local restaurant, it's guaranteed to have your favorite meal there" said the angel

"And over there is a theater, and to the left, there's a swimming pool"


The angel soon finishes the tour and finds that the man is overjoyed.

The angel had one more thing to say though, "going to the gym on a daily basi


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Jesus is 69-420.

After I devoted countless number of hours into my research at NASA, I finally figured out that Jesus is 69-420.

How? Wait and watch.

So we have 69 on one side and 420 on other. If we add the digits in 420, then it would be 4+2+0, which is 6. That means 420=6 And if we flip the 6 upside down, boom, we get 9. So 420=69.

We had proved that 420=6. Now, we know t


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Once upon a time, there lived a Jim the woodcutter...

From his early childhood, Jim was told the story of a woodcutter who dropped his axe in a pond. The god of that pond then showed a golden axe and asked the woodcutter if it was his, the woodcutter said no. The same happened with a silver axe and he only said yes when he was shown the wooden axe, that was his. The god, happy with his honesty, rewarded the woodcutter with all 3 axes.

Ji


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A car crashes, 4 nuns die, they arrive at the gates of the heaven and there stands an angel to greet them...

Angel says, "you all died and because of your service, you will be accepted to the heaven. But first, you need to cleanse yourselves with this holy water".

First nun goes to the fountain, dips her finger and says "I once touched my vagina with the tip of my finger".

Second one approaches and washes both of her hands and says "I once held a big bla


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A crashes, 4 nuns die, they arrive at the gates of heaven and there is angel waiting for them...

Angel says, "you all died, and because of your service, you will be accepted into heaven. But first, you need to cleanse yourselves with this holy water".

First nun goes to the fountain, dips her finger and says "I once touched my vagina with the tip of my finger".

Second one approaches and washes both of her hands and says "I once hold a big blac


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An American, a Hindu, and a Russian land in Purgatory.

A grey-winged angel with a huge whip hanging from his belt meets them and says: "Alright, here's the rules. Anyone who takes three strikes from my whip without screaming, can go straight to Heaven. You can shield yourselves with whatever you like. We've got everything here. Who's first?" The American steps forward. "Alright, you've got three hours to prepare your


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A man tells his friend that he dreamed it was the day of judgement

{True Story}
A man tells his friend that he dreamed it was the day of judgement and people were heading for paradise except for him because he was paralized.
His friend: this is a sign, you should repent and make good deeds.
The man: but a group of good people whom I know refused to leave me alon and put me on the back of a horse and took me with them.
His friend: you shoul


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3 guys die

They go to heavean and the angle there tells them they will go to heavean depending on the relationship they had with their wife. The first man comes up and says I was horrible I cheated on her 5 times. The angel says ok here is this old tractor he goes up in the old tractor. The next guy comes up and says, I was ok only cheated on her 1 time. The angel says ok take this old van he goes up in the


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A mass shooter enters a nursing home and kills dozens of old people

Next day, Rolling Stone publishes an article with the title: “A Tall Handsome Blue-Eyed Angel Euthanizes Desperate Elders at a Nursing Home”

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This one works best with friends

Three people go to heaven and are greeted at the gate by an angel , ( you might want to give specify using the names of your friends for now they’re Bob, Steve , and Jack)
The angel tells them that there is only one rule in heaven : Do not step on Gods toys , if you step on God’s toys you will be punished.

One day Bob and Jack are walking around and they see Steve wa


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Angel comes down from heaven to give life to a statue...

So there is this beautiful statue of a man and a women holding each other, staring longingly into each other's eyes.

One day, an angel notices this statue and feels compelled to give them a chance at life because they appear to be truly in love.

The angel waves his arms and suddenly the man and the woman are living, breathing people. The angel is delighted and expl


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"The Apocalypse has been delayed!"

Shouted the angel with the trumpet.

"Why?" I asked.

"There's some little guy up there telling a story about an elephant, and God can't stop laughing."

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It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day wa


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Three men wash up on a island populated by an ancient tribe.

The tribe leader brings the men to the center of the tribe village, and instructs them to harvest 20 of the same fruit and return before sundown.

The first man returns with 20 bananas.

“Now.” Said the Tribe leader. “Stick each banana up your arse whilst maintaining a straight face. Do that and you will be free. Do not and you will die.”


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A black baby was given wings by God...

"Am I an angel now?" asked the baby.

"Naw nigga you a bat"

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Dave and his Rolls Royce

When Dave was a kid, he saw a parade with some fancy big-shots in fancy big-shot cars. One of the cars was a Rolls Royce, and Dave loved it. So from then on, every year on his birthday, Dave would ask for a Rolls Royce. His family wasn't rich, and Dave was only still a kid, so obviously he never got it. At a certain point in his youth, Dave realised what he was asking for and how funny the re


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A man prayed to God...

to give him a son and kept praying for 15 years...

Looking at his dedication, God finally sent an angel to the man to answer his prayers.

The angel came to the man and said:
"God says i will bless you with a son... but for fuck sake get married first!"

PS: Its a joke in my native language, hope i did justice with the translation.


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Farmer and the sons

Once there lived a farmer and 3 sons with only one cattle. One fine morning that cattle died and nobody knows why. Unable to bear the farmer died of heart attack.
All of a sudden angel appeared and asked the first son if you can do me for full 3 hours , I will bring the cattle and your father back to life.He tried and collapsed after 30 mins.
The angel gave the same offer to seco


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Easter Sunday

It’s the day after 4/20 in heaven and theres a group of angel disciples in a pow wow smoking there last joint. Once finished the angel Matthew relizes they are out of weed and I’m a panic proclaims to the others “oh crap man we are out of weed!”
The angel Luke then calmly states “fear not” as he points to Jesus “ for he has resin!”


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Two very bored angels invent a game called stupid human

Each angels looks down on earth to pick a human currently doing something stupid. While their human keeps acting stupid, the angels slap each other as hard as they can.

The first angel picks Mr. Percy Smith in London who walks into a bar the day before his one year sobriety anniversary. He says "go!" and the other angel starts slapping away. Much to their surprise, though, o


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Two men are sitting in a sauna after a workout. Ill be honest, my wife really is an angel.

“You’re lucky,” the second man answers, wiping the sweat from his brow. “My wife is still alive.”

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Two angels run out of weed...

One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "Fear not," he says and he points to Jesus. "For he has resin."

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NSFW The nun and the pervert

Jeff was on his morning commute when a beautiful young nun walked on. He couldn't help himself and began trying to flirt with the nun, who just sat there in silence and got off at the next stop.

The bus driver overheard Jeff's attempts and decided to let him in on a secret.

"She prays at the cemetery every night at midnight. So what you do is..."


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A man died and was on his way to heaven..

An angel was talking to the man while his soul was leaving his body.

The angel said he could go to heaven quicker if he took off his sock.

So, the man wanting to go to heaven, took his sock off and was flung up into heaven with lightning speed.

When arriving to Heaven, God said, "where the hell are your clothes?! You're completely naked."


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Baby rat and mommy rat were walking down a dirt road when a bat flies by

Baby rat turns to his mom and says:

-Look ma, an angel.

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Baby rat and mommy ray were walking down the dirt road when a bat flies by

Baby rat turns to his mom and says:

- Look ma, an angel.

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(Old and not mine) A man dies and goes to heaven

When he gets there he sees a wall of immeasurable proportions made entirely of clocks with a gate in the center. He sees an angel in front of the gate so he asks

“What do all of these clocks represent?”

To which the angel replies,

“These are the clocks of man, every person that has ever lived has a clock, their clock ticks once every time


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Did you hear about the Touched by an Angel spinoff?

Probably not, Touched By a Priest just never caught on with the public.

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Angel Gabriel approached God

“What are you doing there?” he asked.
“Well” said God, “You know this planet I’ve been creating?”
“Yeah, what of it?”
“I’ve discovered that I can cause it to rotate in space, and given the position of that star I made earlier; Sol, it allows, in the most part, for a 24hr period of alternating light and dark.”


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Ride to heaven.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner, your way across the bridge to Heaven will be decided ”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated thrice ”. The angel gives him an old model pick-up, th


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3 men are in line for heaven

So three men are in the line for heaven and there is a new rule. When you approach the gates you have to say how you died and then you get in

So in the line, there are two fully dressed men and then a naked man

The angel says please come up and a dressed man does

The angel said "how did you die"

The man then told the story of how he


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A man reaches heaven and is greeted by an Angel

Angel: Since you have reached here, I shall grant you one wish.
Man: Build a bridge from New York to London..
Angel: Thats not possible!, Ask for something else.
Man: Stop the reposts on r/jokes...
Angel: How many lanes should the bridge have??

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A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to help them live for as long as possible. He broke the news to his friends, and they weren�


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A Christmas Myth

After learning about different ways to celebrate Christmas, the children were eager to learn more about the subject. Knowing that one of the teachers at their school was from the UK and maybe had an angel on top of the tree instead of the classic star, they went to ask him about it.

It's a long story he said: It began a very, very long time ago. It was a cold and snowy day, as it


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Satan and the angel Gabriel were arguing.

Satan and the angel Gabriel were going back and forth about who’s more superlative at this or that and eventually Gabriel blurred out “well I’m lucif!” To which Satan replies “oh yeah?!? Well then I’m lucif-ER!”

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A man goes to heaven, and to his surprise, he sees a huge wall covered in clocks.

A man goes to heaven, and after walking through the gates, he gets escorted to a waiting room. In the room, he sees a huge wall, covered in clocks. Each clock has only one hand, and each hand has a name written on it. Some clocks are moving rather slowly, while others go a full circle in less than ten seconds.

The man asks one of the angels there about the strange wall. The angel res


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Upon discovering that he lost WWII, hitler heads to his bunker and shoots himself with a pistol.

He feels himself ascending and a floaty feeling, and comes face to face with a glowing figure.
"Who the hell are you?" He asks.
"I'm an angel from heaven, mr Adolf!" Says the angel.
"Why am I in heaven? I've committed every single cardinal sin of the church!" exclaims Hitler.
"Well you're a hero!" Says the angel "Y


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The buffalo and the angel

A milkman wakes up one morning to find his Buffalo dead.
He is beside himself with grief and weeps uncontrollably. That night a beautiful angel appears before him. She asks him -

Angel: Why are you crying?

Milkman: My buffalo, my only source of income is dead.

Angel: Oh poor man! I can bring it back to life but you have to fuck me 10 times this night.


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Are u less than 90?

cause you’re a cute angel

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