Anchor

Jokes

Why did the newscaster need therapy?

They had anchor issues.

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According to recent surveys, Robin Roberts is the most trusted news anchor in America. Do you know who the least was?

Matt Liar

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Threw some butter at my workers today.

They said I should try Anchor management.

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Stop telling Americans they're Illegal Immigrants.

Most of us are anchor babies.

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Americans are NOT Illegal Immigrants

We're anchor babies.

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My Girlfriend told me that I'm her anchor in her life.

I pull her down.

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CNN anchor Kate Bolduan had naked pictures released on the internet.

But it turns out it was fake nudes.

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A news anchor reads off the headlines...

“Police are investigating a wooden object with a pointy end spinning on the street. That’s our top story.”

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What does a chili pepper pirate say to the anchor when it's time to stop the ship?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

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Why did the electrician become a news anchor?

He's always had a knack for current events.

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Im about to lose my job in the Navy unless I make some drastic changes.

I have to take a course in anchor management.

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What makes the news seem slow?

The anchor.

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What's the difference between my virginity and an anchor for my boat?

I might lose my virginity if I choose a heavy one.

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I just put up my Republican nativity scene.

Of course I had to remove the Arabs, the Jews, the anchor baby, and the refugees, so all that’s left is one jackass and a bunch of sheep.

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China just debuted its first totally AI news anchor..

At least now Anderson Cooper isn’t the only robot we have to watch.

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A recent university graduate wins $1 million dollars, and is being interviewed by the news.

A recent university graduate wins $1 million dollars, and is being interviewed by the news.

News anchor: So what will you do with the money?

The graduate: I will pay off my student loans.

News anchor: And what will you do with the rest?

The graduate: They'll have to wait.

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Parents, why name your kid Beyanka

Keep it simple, Anchor will do.

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What did the TV anchor say during sex?

This just in!

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How did the anchor commit suicide?

He drowned himself

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A grizzled old sea captain decided to test one of his recent recruits.

“Let’s say you see a storm heading your way off the starboard side. What would you do?”

“I would throw out an anchor, sir,” said the deckhand confidently.

“All right,” said the captain. “Then let’s say a second storm was coming in from your port side. Then what would you do?”

The deckhand answered,


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Tattoo artists used to do a lot of anchor tattoos on sailors, but have had a distinct change in clientele recently.

Their clients suck fewer dicks now that it's mostly sorority girls getting anchor tattoos.

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What does Melania disagree with Donald on?

Anchor babes.

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Why were the pirates on the ship fighting?

They needed better anchor management.

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A News Anchor is in an Islamic country interviewing the civilians.

The news anchor asks a woman:"Are you being oppressed?"
The woman stutters:"I...I have to ask my husband."



Source/Inspiration: Dutch comedian Hans Teeuwen

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My dick is like an anchor...

If it extends, I'm not going anywhere until it retracts.

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Dude, I can't decide where to anchor my boat...

[deleted]

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What does a ship weigh when she leaves for a journey?

Anchor.

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I order to stay in the Navy,

I had to take a course in anchor management.

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Two men go hunting...

Carl and Miles are strolling through thick woods on the way to their cabin, when they come up on a strange, deep hole in the ground. "That's weird, you see that?", says Carl. "Yea, I wonder how deep it is..." Miles replies. Carl grabs a small rock and tosses it down the hole. Seconds go by, and no sound is heard. Miles looks at Carl... "Something heavier". Both o


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Where does an angry pirate get sent?

Anchor Management

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A certain NBC Nightly News Anchor...

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A TV Anchor interviewed a farmer...

A TV Anchor interviewed a farmer.
TV Anchor (A): What do you feed your goats?
Farmer (F): Which one? The black ones or the white ones?
A (thinks for a moment): The white ones
F: Grass
A: And the black ones?
F: Grass for them too
A (get a little annoyed but moves further): Where do you tie them up?
F: Which ones? The black ones or the white ones?


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Weather Report...

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where'


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First day at Navy school.

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up after?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And i


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An Indian news anchor was fired for referring the chinese President Xi Jinping as "Eleven" Jinping.

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What do you call a news anchor with diarrhea?

Anderson Pooper

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Why does the Asian News Anchor not stand up from behind his desk during presidential races?

because he's covering an erection!

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What happened when the reporter fell into the water?

She became an anchor...

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What do you call a Pirate who lost his anchor?

"can't anchor us"

/bow.. this is as clever as i get, people.. so sorry.

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TV Anchor and A Shapherd

TV Anchor to a Shapherd: "What do you feed your goat?"

Shepherd: "Which one, the black or the white?"

Anchor: "hmm! The black one"

Shepherd: "Grass"

Anchor: "And the white one?"

Shepherd: "Also Grass"

Anchor: "How do you bathe them?"

Sheph


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TV Anchor and A Shepherd

TV anchor to a Shapherd: "What do you feed your goat?"
Shapherd: "Which one, the black one or the white one?"
Anchor: "hmm! The black one"
Shapherd: "Grass"
Anchor: "And the white one?"
Shapherd: "Also Grass"
Anchor: "How do you bathe them?"
Shapherd: "Which one, the black one or th


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What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bobby, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'

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A man goes to audition for an anchor position at a local tv station


A man goes to the television station auditioning for an anchor position.

He sits down in front of the camera and begins, soon it is obvious that he has a terrible stutter, and hisleft eye continuously winks.

The producer says, "Thank you for your audition, we'll let you know."

The man says, "W-w-wait a moment, I c-c-can fix this.&qu


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My favorite bad Christmas joke

Dolf is the weatherman at KTVY, the local CBS affiliate in Kansas City. He's also a closet communist, and has a bit of an anger management problem. During their Christmas Eve broadcast Dolf forecasts a cold and rainy Christmas day, then turns it over to Erin, the anchor he's been dating for the past few months:
"Dolf, are you sure its just rain for tomorrow? I bet everyone&#


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What does a news anchor say during sex?

this just in

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