Amputate

Jokes

During WWI, an English fighter pilot is shot down over Germany

...the accident is terrible, and he wakes up as a prisoner in the hospital, badly injured. The German Dr. arrives: " Ve haf bad news - ve haf to amputate your arm".
The English pilot responds: "Oh no, that's bloody unfortunate. Can you do me a favor, - have one of your pilots drop it off over my country of England; I'd feel better knowing it will rest on home soi


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A man takes a vacation in Bangkok

While he is there, he is approached by a"bar girl". She is beautiful and the price is too low to turn down, so the man agrees to the "$2 special"
Back home in America a couple weeks later, the man is peeing and to his horror, he sees his penis has turned green! He immediately schedules an appointment with his regular doctor.
Upon seeing his condition, the doctor, ha


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I was recently diagnosed with testicular cancer, and learned they will have to amputate one of my testicles.

Now that's TWO things I share in common with Lance Armstrong.

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There was this guy and he got into such a terrible accident

that they had to amputate the whole left side of his body

It took a lot of time to heal, but he’s all right now.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

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Why is everyone in the US armed?

Medical care is too expensive to amputate them

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There once was a man that got into an accident so bad that they had to amputate the whole left side of his brain

It took a long time to heal but thankfully, he's all right now

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A girl got into a car crash and had to amputate her leg

A girl got into a car crash and had to amputate her leg. Make a wish decided to grant her wish of going to LEGO headquarters. She was on a plane with another kid who had the same wish. The 2nd kid turns to his mom and asks

“Where did her lego?”

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NSFW while in china an American is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the states, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.

The man returns and the doctor says, "I've got bad news, you've contracted M


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NSFW While in China

An American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the states, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.


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Doctor, Doctor.

DOCTOR. "Mr. Jones, I have some good news and some bad news"

PATIENT " I'll take the bad news first Doc."

DOCTOR "We'll have to amputate both your legs".

PATIENT. "My God, that's terrible, what's the good news?"

DOCTOR. The guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes."


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Did you hear about the case where the surgeon amputated the wrong leg?

There was a case where a patient had to have a leg amputated but the surgeon amputated the wrong leg. But they still had to amputate the other leg due to cancer. The patient sued the doctor but the judge threw the case out because the patient did not have a leg to stand on.

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A patient wakes up from leg surgery to the surgeon standing next to him.

"Oh, you're finally awake," said the surgeon.

The patient nodded and promptly asked, "how was the surgery, doc?"

The surgeon responded: "well, the good news is that for the rest of your life, you'll be able to wake up and start things off on the right foot. The bad news is that we had to amputate your left foot."


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A man is taken to a hospital after an accident.

In the hospital, a doctor comes up to him and says:

- I have bad news and good news. Bad news is that we'll have to amputate your feet.

The man asks:

- And what's the good news?

The doctor replies:

- I'd buy your sneakers for $150.

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Playing doctor in the bedroom can be fun.

Until you try and amputate her leg and she wants to whine the whole time.

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A man wakes up from a car accident and cries: Doctor, I can't feel my legs!

The doctor replied: that's because I had to amputate your arms.

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Amputate?

Doctor: Mr. Franco, I'm sorry to tell you that your leg has developed gangrene, and if we don't amputate immediately, you may die due to infection.

Shall I schedule the surgery?

Mr. Franco: Hmm... I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no.

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I Have Good News and Bad News...

-What's the bad news doctor?

-We're going to amputate both your legs

-And the good news?

-I'll give you $20 for your sneakers.

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A guy goes to see a doctor

and tells him he cannot get his dick up.

The doctor does some tests and looks grim. "I'm afraid it's Guinea Plague" he says, "I'll have to amputate it."

"No!" says the patient, "I want a second opinion!"

"That's your right," says the doc, "but you need to deal with this immediately.&qu


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My girlfriend left me today

I still wish they hadn't had to amputate my hand.

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A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife's Response: Who is Tina?


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A doctor had news to his patient

“I have good news and bad news for you” Says the doctor

“Give me the bad news first”

“I had to amputate both of your legs”

“And the good news?” Says the patient

“I’ll buy your shoes for $100”

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Hospital Treatments

Three men are spending the holidays at a hospital conversing about what ails them. The first bloke asks what everyone is being treated for. Second fellow responds “I have toe jam. Doctor says that they might have to amputate”. The third guy says “That’s not so bad. I have knee-monia. And they will have to amputate”. Both guys look back at the first guy and ask &ldquo


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In World War Two

An RAF pilot is on a covert scouting mission over France when he is suddenly shot down. The crash is recovered and the Germans find him among the wreckage terribly wounded. They quickly transport him to the nearest POW camp and put him in hospital. On the first day they say to him
"We're sorry to say but we have to amputate your right leg"
The man says
"Okay


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A guy wakes up in hospital after surgery and complains he can't feel his legs

"I know" said the doctor.
"We had to amputate your arms"

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My friend had to amputate the front of his foot so I punched him in the face.

I'm lack toes intolerant.

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An American Guy goes to China

while in China he has unprotected sex. He then returns to the States after two weeks, he noticed bright green and purple freckles. He immediately goes to see a doctor.
Doc says this is a rare disease called Mongolian VD I'm sorry but the only cure is to amputate your tool.
Horrified he goes the following day to see a Chinese doctor for another option
The doctor examines him


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3 Medics

Normandy landings. 3 Medics take cover in a crater when a shell detonates behind them taking one of the medics legs off.

One of the medics - still a little drunk - confides in his comrade...

"He told me last night if he ever loses one leg to amputate the other"

"Are you sure that's right" asks the other medic.

"If i


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NSFW We need to amputate it...

A man goes to a doctor.
Man: Good morning.
Doctor: What's the problem?
The man whips out his dick.
It is all red and swollen up.
Doctor: We need to amputate it...
Man: You're crazy!
And the man leaves.
He goes to a second doctor and the same thing happens.
Finaly, at the third doctor...
Man: Good morning!
What is the probl


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There's a surgery exam at medical university

Doctor: amputate patient's left arm

Student hit with an axe: CLANK!

Doctor: I said LEFT

- CLANK!

Doctor: I said ARM

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An American tourist visits China...

While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for t


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Doctor: "I've got good news and bad news."

Patient: "Gee, Doc, what's the bad news?" Dr. "We're going to have to amputate both your legs." Patient "Shit! What's the good news?!" Dr. "The guy next to you wants to buy your slippers."

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A man comes back from vacationing in Thailand.

About 10 days after getting back his junk swells up and turns green, purple, and red. He immediately goes to the ER. A doctor examines him and tells him he needs to amputate. He decided there's no way that's happening. He figured if he contacted this disease in Asia he'll go to an Asian doctor.
"Doc, the American doctor at the ER said I have to amputate." Asian doct


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A doctor says to his patient...

A Doctor says to his patient:
"I have some good news... and some bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"


Patient:
"Give me the bad news first."


Doctor:
"The bad news is... we're going to have to amputate your feet."


Patient:
"and what's the good news?!!!"


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A man is being treated for severe frostbite in his left arm.

Doctor: "I am greatly saddened to have to tell you this, but there is no choice but to fully amputate your left arm".

Man: "Is this really necessary?"

Doctor: "I'm afraid this is a life or death situation."

Man: "Can you walk me through the process? Will I be safe?"

Doctor: "Oh, by the end, there


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A Trip to China

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests


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The Way Women Think

Husband's Message (by text):

"Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, should not have any serious or lasting effect but, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot. Fingers


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Mongolian VD

[Inspired by the post in TIFU:](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/31lt1a/tifu_by_visiting_a_massage_parlor_in_china_nsfw/)

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green a


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A man wakes up in a hospital bed after an accident.

The doctor comes in and says that he has some good news and some bad news.

Start with the bad news. says the man.

Well, the bad news is that you have been in an accident and we had to amputate both your legs.

And the good news? asks the man.

The good news is that the guy in the bed next to you would like to buy your shoes.


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A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips.....


Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor,
"


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A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips.....


Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor,
"


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First world problems

First world problems: "My fingers are frozen! I can't type!"

Third world problems: "My fingers are frozen! I'll have to amputate them!"

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First world problems

First world problems: "My fingers are frozen! I can't type!"

Third world problems: "My fingers are frozen! I'll have to amputate them!"

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A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?


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From the Hospital...

Husband: Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the Hospital. They have been conducting examinations and tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head, though very strong, will not have any serious or lasting injury. But I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate my right foot.

Wife: Who


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A joke from the war

a man is flying a combat mission over Europe. He gets shot down and has to bail out. He breaks both his legs, is captured by Germans, then taken to a POW camp.
The first week they have to amputate his right leg. He asks one of them "After you're done, can you have one of your pilots fly my leg over my base in England and drop it there?", so they do it.
The next wee


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Did you hear about the man who was to amputate a foot?

They amputated the wrong one. Now they're both in a wheelchair.

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"They had to amputate them both at the ankles," said Tom, defeated.

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Women Think Differently

Husband's Text Message by cell phone:

"Honey, got hit by car when I was out of office. Paula brought me to Hospital. They're doing tests and X-rays now. Blow to my head very strong, fortunately it didn’t cause serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in left leg, and they may have to amputate right foot.

Wife's Text Resp


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Amputate?

After saving up for years, a man goes to Thailand for a dream vacation, packed to the gills with as many prostitutes as he can manage. After several weeks of screwing his way across the country, he fears he has contracted something from one the prostitutes. Between the burning and discoloration, he fears the worst and finds a nearby, ex-pat British doctor to look at it.

"I'm


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