I was asked to say a few words at a funeral so I said "Allocate, assign, apportion" :

The grieving widow came up to me after and said "Thanks, your words all meant allot to me"

My secretary thinks he is a marketing genius. He said that if I allot a section to Trumps Tweets in my jokebook, I will thank him later. So I turned to him and said:

Thanks allot now

Allot of girls asked me to go out today...

I was in the womens toilet.

I just want to thank that guy who taught me another word for "distribute"...

It means allot.

I have allot of hidden talents.

But i don't know what they are because they're fucking hiding.

How to get the hottest women?

Get the highest paying job that makes allot of money or have allot of money.

Why do the parents of ltinsert shitty towngt always drink allot when they go out for a partyBBQ?

So when they come home their children cant smell they ate meat.

What do you say to a Hebrew baby?

"Look at Jew! Aren't Jew so cute!"

Punchline best if done in that voice that allot of people do around baby's and animals.