A new bakery is just opened when suddenly a man runs in,

screaming from the top of his lungs:

"I f\*cked your mom!"

The man runs out as fast as he came in leaving a visibly annoyed baker. The rest of the day works out fine but come the next day, right about the same time as the day before, the same man runs in. Again, from the top of his lungs screaming:

"I f\*cked your mom!"

The ba

---

Did you hear the story about the tornado?

Did you hear about the boy who survived being run over by a monster truck?

When reporters interviewed him at the hospital he was alert and said that he just felt very tired.

DARK JOKE ALERT Whats the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

ones fun to hit with a sledgehammer and the other is a watermelon

What effect does mist have? (Dad joke alert.)

It mystifies.

I was on a plane today when a vulture

tried to board with two dead raccoons.
Thankfully, the alert flight attendant quickly said "I'm sorry Sir, only one carrion per passenger."

What do you call a big dog who's always alert?

Awarewolf

What will a guard of Area 51 do if he watches Blackpink's music video on his watch?

He will alert the area when he hears"BLACKPINK IN YOUR AREA!!!"

Scammer Alert: Despite the buzz from Nintendo, don't try to pick up the new Switch on Craigslist

It seemed fine at first, but after a few games, I just found I was getting stuck.

Now will someone please come let me out of this birdcage?

I was watching the Indianapolis 500 from 2018, and I said...

SPOILER ALERT! All of the cars have different colored ones!

BAD JOKE ALERT What do you call everyone's favorite spongebot character when he eats too many krabby patties?

Mr Flabs

Life Alert and Viagra launch a joint marketing campaign

"Help! I've fallen and I can't get it up!"

Life Alert and Viagra launch a joint marketing campaign

"Help! I've fallen and I can't get it up!"

In a far away universe the movie Godzilla vs. Godzilla premieres, spoiler alert...

Godzilla wins.

My Grandfather witnessed what was about to happen to the Titanic firsthand.

He screamed and yelled trying to alert everyone of what was about to happen.

He yelled three more times until it finally happened.

They kicked him out of the theater.

SPOILER ALERT

Jesus dies at the end of bible

What did the check-out guy say before showing me the expiry date on the milk I just bought?

“Spoiler alert!”

SPOILER ALERT: Black Widow becomes a redhead again

when she jumps off the cliff to get the Soul Stone.

ENDGAME JOKE. SPOILER ALERT!!

You know the new Captain America? More like Captain African-America

Spoiler Alert What happens at the end of Endgame

They roll the credits...

SPOILER ALERT

Check your Medicene Expiration date. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

SPOILER ALERT

Check your milk's expiration date.

ENDGAME SPOILER ALERT

Okay now onto the joke.
Captain marvel for most of endgame

Girl loses virginity to a guy addicted to Red Alert

He tells her to talk dirty.

It's her first time and she doesn't know what to say, but she remembered...

"Owww Owww... Owww owww"

Avengers spoiler alert.

Andy Dufresne escapes prison and refurbishes a boat.

Dad joke alert! What is made out of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.

Got Spoiler Alert !

Gendry was on Arya's "Whom to fuck" list.

Have you guys seen the new Lion King movie from Disney...

Spoiler alert - Mufasa dies

Life Alert?

I’ve lost my viagra and I can’t get up!

Spoiler Alert:

Don't eat old yogurt.

If there is an Amber alert...

If a teenage girl is missing in your area, she is probably with R. Kelly

Dad joke alert: So when does a bad joke become a Dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

Amber Alert

So I went to the water park with my kids the other day, all three of them. I lost them all. Where’s amber when you need her?

Which university has the most students alert to social injustices?

Woke Forest

Getting an AMBER Alert while on the toilet is like winning the lottery...

Since those things are designed to randomly scare the shit out of you.

Whats said to a 3am amber alert?

Fuck that kid!

Can you go call life alert?

Because I've just fallen for you and I can't get up

LAME JOKE ALERT

What can be lamer than this?

Dad joke alert: Why did the kids bike keep falling over?

It was two tired

Who needs viagra when you have life alert?

Duh dumb tiss

Police Alert Two men wanted for stealing a cement mixer.

Caution is advised. They are hardened criminals.

Kid joke alert

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten. Ten tickles

Those Life Alert commercials about falling and can't get up makes makes me questions the actors

It was only a matter of time I realize I was on the floor with a broke n pelvis. I've fallen and I can't get up. Help me!

A man was driving through the highway with the radio cranked up

Suddenly, the radio started booming: "TRAFFIC ALERT: THERE APPEARS TO BE A CAR DRIVING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION IN HIGHWAY 72."

The man, scratching his head, thought to himself "One? There are hundreds of them!"

A man was driving down the highway listening to the radio

Suddenly, the radio started booming: "TRAFFIC ALERT: THERE APPEARS TO BE A CAR DRIVING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION IN THE SR 72."

The man, scratching his head, thinks to himself "One? There are hundreds of them!"

What rhymes with orange

spoiler alert: it doesn’t.

Red alert

A Soldier Was Given A Three-Day Leave To Attend To His Newly Wedded Wife But On Getting Home, He Realized That His Wife Was In Her Menstrual Period.

So He Decided To Send A Telegram To His Headquarter To Extend His Leave But With His Mother-In-Law And Other Visitors Around, He Decided To Code His Message In The Military Way.

Omega One, This Is Omega Twelve,

---

Im a thief and I broke in someones house

Front door was open so I easily got in. Stole their gadgets and some jewelry. On my way out, I accidentally hit a table and made some noise. Owner got up with his gun in hand and saw me right at the front door as I get out and immediately shot at me. I ran for my life while hoping to not get hit.

He ran out of bullets.

Also cant chase me because he’s too fat.

---

Be alert, there's a midget psychic murderer on the loose.

He's a small medium at large.

What do you call a 911 call from a stripper?

...an Amber Alert