Alcohol

Jokes

How did the sniper get drunk even though he was nowhere near any alcohol?

It was those long distance shots

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After last night's round of heavy drinking, I've contracted the AIDS

Alcohol Induced Drippy Shits

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If you are afraid of gaining weight

then just take a shot of liquor before dinner. Alcohol can numb your sense of fear.

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What do you call an establishment that illegally sells alcohol to Mexicans?

a spic-easy

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How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all of your alcohol when you invite them for dinner?

Invite 2 of them.

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Bill gates dies

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A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.

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I tried a few drugs here and there in my life. Weed, painkillers, alcohol etc.

But when it comes to cocaine I draw the line.

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What do panties and nail polish have in common?

Both come off with alcohol

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What do you call two intoxicated people having sex?

Rubbing alcohol.

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I dont know why alcoholics say its so hard to give up alcohol

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They say alcohol makes you horny.

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Two tourists are driving along a country road when...

All of a sudden they break down. It's pouring rain so they run to the nearest farm house and knock on the door, begging to be let in.

The farmer opens the door but promptly informs the men, "you can stay the night but be warned, I don't have any alcohol, my wife's out of town and my daughter's have long since left home."

Oh sorry, says the f


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Conclusion of an experiment

(Long)

One day a good doctor was walking down the street.

As he was walking, he saw a group of teenage boys smoking, taking drugs and drinking alcohol in the alley.

After seeing these young minds of the country in such a bad situation, he wanted a change.

He invited all those boys to his lab in his office. They came. He took two bowls, added pur


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Alcohol bad for me I used to get an allergic reaction to it, I would break out in handcuffs.

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I cant remember the last time I drank alcohol

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Im okay with cigarettes, alcohol, and even marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

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I just read about the dangers of alcohol, and it really scared me.

I'm never reading again!

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Alcoholic

I was reading an article the other day which said if you are drinking alcohol everyday you might be an alcoholic!

Thank god, I drink only every night!

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Whats happens when you cross alcohol with an unstable parent?


BEATS ME

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What's Jesus's favorite alcohol?

While most would say wine, he would be fine with anything as long as he could get hammered.

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Bulletproof

If I drank a bunch of alcohol with a high proof and shot myself, would I be bulletproof?

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My Doctor said I should only have 2 drinks of alcohol per day...

So I went and got a 2nd Doctor.

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His Eminence

A drunk man who smelled like cheap wine sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened the newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"


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A guy walks into a bar....

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Alcohol is gay

Because when you drink it you can't think straight

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I'm not trying to get technical on you Mom, BUT.....


 

 

...according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution..

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"Have you tried saying no to alcohol?" my therapist asked me.

"Yes I did but they don't wanna hear any of it"

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Drunk On A Bus

A very drunk man gets on a bus and stumbles into the seat next to a priest. His tie is stained, his face is covered in lipstick smears and a half full bottle of scotch is sticking out his coat pocket.

He opens his newspaper and starts to read, but after a few minutes turns to the priest and asks, "Hey father, do you have any idea what causes arthritis?"

"Ye


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What do you get when you mix alcohol and wall painting?

Plastered.

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A man walks into a bar

his alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart.

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A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks

"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18" says the bartender

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What does woman and nail polish have in common?

They both go down easily with alcohol.

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If your urine smells like alcohol, you may have a drinking problem

If your urine tastes like alcohol, you definitely do have a drinking problem

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You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye

I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit

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Im so sick and tired of my friends who can not handle their alcohol.

Last night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.

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My friend is a recovering alcoholic.

"As long as people stop reminding me about alcohol, I'll be fine," he declared.

"Yeah!" I said, "That's the spirit!"

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I like my men like I like my alcohol

I don't drink

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New study finds that most car accidents happen when men have been drinking alcohol.

Because their women are the designated drivers.

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What did they tell Ted when he kept drinking alcohol instead of caring for his wife?

You're a dick Ted.

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An SEO expert

walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol...

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100 Alcohol

One day there was a major influenza outbreak in a small town with a population of a thousand people.

Sadly, there was only one clinic in this isolated town so the town Mayor ordered everyone in town to take their body temperatures with the town Doctor before sunset in order to quarantine those infected with the deadly flu.

A single file line consisting of 999 panicked tow


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There is a new business in town where they combine serving alcohol with traditional wellness treatments...

...today I went in and had a Gin and Colonic.

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God and Jesus decide to walk the earth and see how people are doing

they disguise themselves as two ordinary men and decide to try something very popular with humans in alcohol. They walk into a bar owned by Eminem and ask
- could we get two shots?
- YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

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My doctor cautioned me to watch my alcohol intake...

Now I always get drunk in front of a mirror.

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When I drink alcohol people call me an alcoholic, Yet when I drink "Fanta"

They don't call me Fantastic.

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A mountain once drank alcohol. What is he now?

He’s high.

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How to know when a smurf is alcohol intoxicated ?

He is blue

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My wife died from alcohol.

I came home pissed one night and shot the bitch!

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Why do they sell booze at the hardware store?

Because nothing is better than alcohol at demolishing a home.

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