Alarm

Jokes

I ate five alarm chili last night...

...this morning I'm declaring a National Emergency at my southern border.

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One of the things that you get upset if it works and even more if it doesn't: the alarm clock.


That poor thing! It is so scared of you that while waking you up asks if you want a 5 minutes snooze.

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My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

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Did you hear about the boy who ate his alarm clock?

Apparently it was really time consuming

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My stupid alarm clock broke last night.

I woke up and it said "404".

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My Friend Have An Alarm Clock You Hit Powerfully And It Snoozes Longer

I Tried With Mine And It Work My Is On Snooze Permanently!

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If you're not black you shouldn't say the n word. But why didn't you pull the fire alarm?

Cuz I'm not a fireman so shouldn't say fire.

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The watchman

Passing an office building late one night, the blonde saw a sign that read, "Press bell for night watchman." She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well,"


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Which is worse

Waking up minutes before your alarm goes off?

Or

Having to suddenly take a shit after a shower?

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I never hit the snooze button when my alarm goes off...

I just turn the alarm off and go back to bed.

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How to wake up before alarm goes off?

Just put despacito as an alarm and you will wake up 30 minutes earlier

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My wife and I were trying to have sex when the slow cooker set off the fire alarm.

I was crock blocked.

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Just heard my next door neighbours window smash and his burglar alarm went off so I immediately sprang into action

Went round there and got myself a free telly.

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I work at a bank and this guy comes up to the teller line, hands me a note that says give me $1000 dollars. So I give him the money, hit the silent alarm and back away, leaving him confused. Turns out he was deaf and his account number was on the back.

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Absolutely true story that is not fake

In school, I had a friend named Michael Locke. Every day, me and Michael would meet up at the bus stop and ride the school bus together.

Now, one day in sixth grade I slept over at Michael's house, and I had packed a small alarm clock to wake me up in the morning, because I was a *very* heavy sleeper. We went up to his treehouse in the backyard and played board games until midni


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I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm

Its loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy and sick.

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Help. Today I figured out I may have multiple personality disorder.

Edit: sorry false alarm. I didn't.

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A horse walks into a bar.

The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!”


The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

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Whats your Weirdest hobby??

I use to sleep after my morning alarm to see if i Will miss The school bus. Very,very risky

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A man comes to the United States for the first time.

The first thing he does after exiting the airport is going to a Target. He takes lots of expensive items and walks out the door. The security alarm starts beeping and a worker comes over to him. "Sir you need to pay for those items," says the worker. The man looks at him and says, "But isn't America a free country?"


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Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy

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The wife wanted me to last longer in bed...

So I turned the alarm clock off

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Don't you hate it when you're trying to have a nap and there's an alarm blaring in the background?

I just had to smash my carbon monoxide alarm to bits, it was giving me a bloody headache.

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My wife just left me. She thinks Im too paranoid.

Edit: False alarm, she was just getting the mail.

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I had to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me dizzy

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I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

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Typoon alarm ran on whole churchs cellphones.

Everybody taught the day has come.

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There's a special alarm for when someone stupidly starts a fire.

A sighren.

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Whats the difference between a screen door on a submarine, a refrigerator in an igloo, and a car alarm?

The first two could be useful.

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The alarm went off when I was trying to have sex...

I was Clock-Blocked

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I bought a rape alarm

Because I kept forgetting when to rape people.

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My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner..

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

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I was at my school disco..

Walking across the hall to get a drink. One of my classmates came up to me and said ‘dude, your shoes are on smoking hot!’

I gave them a smile and kept walking to get a drink. Another classmate then approached me and said ‘hey bro, you’re on fire tonight!’

I gave them a wink and some goodbye guns and continued towards the queue of people wai


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I didn't want to alarm everyone so I kept this kinda quiet but I truly appreciate all the love shown, but I'm ok.

I had a terrible accident this morning but I am doing way better now. I decided to go horseback riding which I haven't

done in years. Well, I got on the horse and started out slow, and then we went a little faster and then we were going as

fast as the horse could go. I couldn't hold on anymore. All of a sudden, I fell off and caught my foot in the stirrup an


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What's the difference between an Alarm Clock and my Wife?

An Alarm Clock shut's up after I hit it once.

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A horse walks into a bar.

The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!”


The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

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My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

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Boss: why were you late again?

Me: no alarm-

Boss: that’s a terrible excuse; you’re fired.

[later]

Noah Larm: dude did you tell him I made us stop for donuts?

Me: I tried but he wouldn’t listen.

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In the winter my car alarm is a dog in the backseat.

In the summer it's a dead dog in the back seat

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A midget psychic once barely escaped from the police.

The alarm went out for a small medium at large

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I've recently taken a course on alarm clocks, but unfortunately I flunked it.

I overslept and missed the exam.

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My brother asked if he could have a little peace and quiet while cooking dinner...

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!

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The blind construction worker at my school accidentally pulled the fire alarm.

I don't think the fire alarm was a drill.

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The pope had to go to the hospital

The pope recently had to go to the hospital, he had a white spot by his dick.

False alarm, turns out it was just a milk tooth

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Love Versus Marriage

What's the difference between love and marriage?

-Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.

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Im colorblind. People tell me that Im white and Im inclined to believe them because...

When I’m leaving the store and the alarm goes off the employees just wave me on out the door.

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My wife always complains I buy crappy Christmas gifts. So I got her a Tourettes Alarm clock.

She is in for a rude awakening.

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I set my alarm 30 minutes before I need to get up every morning

I need 10 minutes to snooze, 10 minutes to sit on the end of my bed hating life, and 10 minutes to convince myself to take the noose off.

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I don't have an alarm clock because whenever I'm supposed to wake up, I do because I have to pee...

I have an alarm cock.

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Hey gurl, are you an alarm clock?

Cos your annoying and won’t shut the fuck up

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