Agony

Jokes

What does The Art of War have in common with Die Hard?

Both postulate one key thing: Victory cannot be savored without first experiencing the agony of de feet.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Smurfing...

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Every living moment is agony.

Thank God I'm a masochist.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two campers are hiking in the woods...

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.

“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the po


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A black man is running at a track while a couple of strangers watch him.

In front of them, he suddenly takes a bad step and falls, twisting his knee. He screams in pain and agony as his knee rapidly starts swelling. One stranger says to the other, "Wow, look at that knee grow."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Agony Aunt

Dear Agony aunt,

Recently I noticed that my next door neighbour’s daughter was sunbathing topless in their back garden. After wandering around my house for a while I found I could get a great view of her through our bathroom window if I stood on the toilet.

I had a wank and then a few minutes later tried for another.

It was at this point that I turned t


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I live in a state of constant agony.

That state is Missouri.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A lion walks into a bar

and announces "I'll give $100 to whoever is brave enough to hold their dick in my mouth for 30 seconds."

a drunk at the bar says "you'll just bite it off!"

the lion says "I promise I won't bite. $100... going once... going twice..."

the drunk says "okay okay I'll do it" and proceeds to place his dic


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

So this farmhand from a very small and remote town decides it would be good to go and learn soms modern skills on a big, modern farm...

He was raised in a very basic manner and a lot of modern things like microwaves, refrigerators etc. were new to him.
When he found a big modern farm he moved there and installed himself in his room. This room was so much better than his old room back home.... He even had his own shower.
Even that was new to him. That is why the first time he took a shower he got confused with the re


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A gypsy girl sent an email to an agony Aunt

"I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer ?"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.

"I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. &q


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Its an amazing night at the circus.

Everybody is enjoying themselves. The clowns did alot of silly tricks, the acrobats did crazy stuff, and the lion did the arbitrary jump through the “ring of fire”.
It now was time for the big finale. A woman came on stage with a crocodile. She ordered the crocodile to open his mouth. As he opens his mouth, the female crocodile tamer puts a breast in his mouth. The whole crowd wa


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Stirlitz

Stirlitz saw how two German soldiers pour a gasoline on a cat and set it on fire. Poor cat runs in agony and after few seconds fall on ground and dies. He ran out of fuel - Stirlitz said.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A boy and girl fell in love

A boy and a girl fell in love.

The boy tells the girl “I love you so much, I’m willing to do anything for you”.

The girl is blushes and whispers in his ear “I love you too, take my hand first, I want to show you something”.

She reaches out to the boy with her hand, but the boy looks frightened.

“What’s wr


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.

It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Who wants to hear an original great joke?!

homeopathic treatments. for the mom that doesn't use vaccines and wants her child to die in agony even sooner!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Bubba the fruit contrabandist

is hauling a truckload of bananas into California, border agents find the contraband.

"A new law has passed that gives you the option to either go to jail and pay a fine, or you can shove one of the contraband items up your anus in lieu of jail time and the fine. Both very significant."

Bubba, being broke as fuck and not wanting to go to jail accepts the anal pu


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A Russian and a Jew were on the battlefield.

The jew, hurt badly, was in agony:

-Ivan, I'm in a lot of paint. Shoot me and end my suffering.

-I can't, Avraham, I'm out of bullets.

-I'll sell you a few, Ivan.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Chuck Norris was bite by a deadly snake today

After 5 brutal days of agony, the snake finally died.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Husband wakes up wife in the middle of night,

tell me, he says "Is it better to pass away at once or to pass away suffering in pain & agony for a long time"

Wife says "to pass away at once would be better"

Husband: "if that is the case, then please place your second leg as well on me please"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle...

... she was attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh ....Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two women were playing golf

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

So, this one soccer player walks into a bar...

Some dude touched him and now he's on the floor crying in agony.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Not many of you know that my wife was bitten by a rattlesnake over the summer, while we were camping.

After two days of horrible, writhing agony, the snake died.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My wife

Not many of you know that my wife was bitten by a rattlesnake over the summer, while we were camping. After two days of horrible, writhing agony, the snake died.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The founder of IKEA is standing at the pearly gates.

Simply amazed he walks towards Peter who says "not so fast buddy we got a situation here"
Confused he says "what do you mean? I lived a good life and helped the environment as much as I could".

Peter reply's "ya but your sort of a hero for the other side. Apparently there are whole sections of Hell where people assemble countless amounts of your fu


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

As I rolled around on the beach screaming in agony a sexy woman came up to me.

[deleted]

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What dries your clothes but can also make you writhe around in agony?

A tumblr.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Ronda Rousey in her latest match..

She really did suffer the agony of da feet.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Marathon

Just won my first marathon. I am experiencing the thrill of victory and the agony of de feet.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A smart doctor joke

A redhead walks into the Doctor's office and says, "Doctor, please help me....I ache all over". The Doctor says, "really, let me see if I can help...show me where it hurts". The redhead points down to her knee, pokes it and screams in pain. The Doctor nods, takes some notes and asks..."Anwhere else?". The girl points to her head, taps her skull and lets out a squ


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Innocence, Frustration, Agony, what are they really?

Innocence : Nuns doing squats in a cucumber field.

Frustration : Attempting to pin diarrhea to a wall.

Agony : A horse in a wet suit with an erection.


Can anyone else come up with ones for: Benevolence, Joy and Fury?

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Bungle in the jungle

a lady journalist tracks down Tarzan , he consents to give her an interview. After a while she spots that he has a hardon. She asks him what he does for sex. He points to a hole in a nearby tree and explains that this is what he uses for sex. She took of her clothes and told him he was in for a treat. He asked her where he would put it, she showed him her pussy. He said ok and she lay down and he


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The Campers Second Opinion


The Camper’s Second Opinion

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.

“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a k


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Tarzan and Jane were in the jungle...

... and while Jane was asking Tarzan about his life she asked him how he had sex.
Tarzan wasn't sure what she meant so she proceeded to explain.
Tarzan explained that he used a knot hole in a tree trunk.
Jane was shocked by this and said 'You can't do it like that I will have to show you'.
So she takes of all her clothes, lays onto the ground and points


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The definition of agony is...

A one handed man hanging on to a cliff for his dear life with itchy balls.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What is the definition of agony?

A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Accident at the golf course

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a group of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the guys. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I&#


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A Christmas joke

A boy was given a soccer ball for Christmas.
But he cried tears of agony and pain.
Why?

He had no legs

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I've gone from agony to ecstasy in this last week. Hopefully, by the end of this month...

...I'll be done reading this dictionary.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A Drunk is on his way home from a bar...

He stumbles and backs himself against an advertising pillar. He slowly continues his walk with his hands still on the advertising pillar for aid, going around once, twice, three times...

With a scream of agony he suddenly slumps to the ground and cries out loud:

"Dear God! I'm walled in!"


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

FOUR!

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physi


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

As she lay there in screaming agony...

As she lay there in screaming agony, her body covered in fatal burns, Superman knew this was the first and last time he would try to undress a woman with his eyes.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

After DST I stopped to visit my dyslexic friend...

http://www.funnyordie.com/articles/12d1747cd7/the-agony-of-dyslexia

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The agony of dyslexia

I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend last night. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him: "You idiot!"

"You're supposed to turn your clock back!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE