Advice

Jokes

You should hear what audio technicians have to say

They always give sound advice

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What do say to a guy asking advice on Reddit about his cheating girlfriend?

Karma is a bitch.

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Here's a bit of advice for you.

Advi.

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I once met my future self and he told me:

If you can only once travel back in time to give yourself advice, go further back than four sec....

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One day a boy is trying to replace the batteries in a remote when his dad walks in.

He sees what he is doing and says to his son, "Son, a bit of advice that will help through your life, it is easier to screw than to unscrew. How do you think you came to be?

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A bit of advice

Never read a pop-up book about giraffes.

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My friend Mitchell is a magician...

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What Advice did Michael Jackson give to people with a Gambling Addiction?

'Don't stop till you get enough'

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Always listen to the advice of a cross-eyed people...

Cause they have a unique point of view.

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A man complains to his doctor that he keeps waking up late

"Try to wake up an hour earlier each day for a couple of days" the doctor recommends
In a follow-up check up a week later, the doctor is horrified to discover his patient has done the opposite and now wakes up at 4pm each day.
"What is the meaning of this?" The doctor asks
"Well", the man replies, "I thought to myself 'why wake up only an h


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Advice for high blood pressure victims

You gotta feed the bird to keep the blood flowing.

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I just moved to the hood and I need some advice.

Any thots?

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A husband and wife love to golf together but were not satisfied with their game. So they decided to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first.

After the pro sees him swing, he says, "No, no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard!".
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast". The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the b


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Advice on GF who will pass soon

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I take all condiment advice

with a pinch of salt.

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A man is lying on his death bed and asks the nurse for a priest. "Do you want to confess?" the nurse asks.

"No ," replies the man, "I want to molest a minor and need the advice of an expert."

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My friend's only advice is all women are the enemy...

Me: So there's a Pacific and Atlantic Front?
Friend: We storm D-Day one day they will never see it coming!

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I once knew a very wise herb gardner

He was know for his sage advice

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What is the owls dating advice book called?

The Wit to Woo

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The secret to success in the corporate world

A young professional parks his battered old car outside his office one morning. Stepping out, he sees the CEO sweeping into the car park in his brand new, sparkling, top of the range Mercedes S Class.

Starstruck, and knowing this company has an ethos of openness which means everyone is approachable, the young man decides to engage the CEO in conversation.

"That'


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What advice does Fleetwood Mac give for the keeping of farm animals?

You can grow your own hay!

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My wife gives me sound advice.

90% sound, 10% advice.

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Donald Trump was having trouble with his business.

Whatever he tried, nothing seemed to work. Exasperated, he went to church to ask for advice. Preacher told him: "All the answers are in the Bible, my son. Just open it and you'll see an answer to your problem".

So he followed the advice - went back to the Trump Hotel, opened a Bible in one of the rooms, and the first thing he saw was: "Chapter 11".


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A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them" replied the lawyer "and then I send them a bill." The do


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Was arrested after calling the rape advice hotline

Apparently it’s for victims

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My boss just promoted me to his sexual consultant.

He said, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”

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My granddad used to say judge a man not by his skin, but by the content of his character.



Great advice , terrible Grand Wizard.

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The Best Sex Ed Advice

"Love should come before the cum!"

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My Chinese doctor told me that if I don't start smoking a lung transplant might be inevitable

I would pass that advice as a mistake but his English is excellent...

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What advice did the dietician give the tightrope walker?

You need a balanced diet

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I asked my Italian friend how to make friends at school and he said "bring a-gum"

So the following day I brought a gun to school and now everyone wants to be my friend, needless to say, his advice worked

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My dating advice

I used to find it hard to get hot chicks, but then I found an oven.

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Here's a little bit of advice :

advi

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With Father's Day approaching I'm looking for some advice for an appropriate gift.

I'm certain that he always has almost everything that I can think of, except for AIDS or a coffin.

I'm hesitant to give him a coffin, because I'm sure it would be about the last thing in the world he's going to need. But AIDS, I'm sure he hasn't got already. So would it be OK if I gave him AIDS?


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Stalin appears to Putin in a dream and says:

“I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.” Putin asks, “Why blue?” Stalin: "I knew you would not object to the first one."

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Goin to jail cause of some bad advice

My friends all told me "its legal if she's A teen"

Trust me guys, its not.

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Guy on serious conversations is seeking advice on being more social by asking for book recommendations.

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Here's a bit of advice for you...

Advi.

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I thought you said...

Thomas an 82 yo guy , is at Doctors getting a medical.
Few Days later , the Doc sees him walking down street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
At the following check up the Doctor says "you're really doing great " to which Thomas replies "Just following your advice Doc, get a hot momma and be cheerful."
The Doctor said " I stated you'v


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I give excellent relationship advice..

Trust me, I've been in hundreds of relationships.

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I give excellent relationship advice..

Trust me, I've been in hundreds of relationships.

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Advice to Women

Dear Lady, until you're legally married, do not move in with a man. Give yourself some worth. Visit and go back so that others can visit.

I repeat, visit and go back so that others can visit!

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Helpful advice if you're ever attacked by a group of clowns.

Go for the juggler.

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Ever wonder why LPGA golfers have men as their caddies?

......probably cause they need a man's advice to know how to handle their balls .
(please be kind, first post here)

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I found my ex lying unconscious in my backyard when i was cutting grass...

Then i remembered my psychiatrist's advice to forget the past, get over her and mow on.

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A life without women would be a pain in the ass

A- this joke is brought to by 'people who dont wash their hands make me sick'

B- it's a prison-love joke, not exactly the most solid foundation for a women's rights meeting.

C- it's a joke, if you relax a little it's easier to have fun...which is good advice for both jokes AND butt sex.


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Friendly advice if your significant other has too much baggage.

Stop watching and help carry some of it! Geez.

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What do you call a dentists advice?

His fl ossophy

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I asked a friend for relationship advice and he told me to try breaking the ice

I don’t think she appreciated it when she fell through it into freezing waters

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Ladies, don't take dating advice from lesbians.

They don't know dick...

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