Advance

Jokes

Why does 6 hate 7?

Because 7 hates 9.

Why does 9 hate 10?

Because 10 is a Jew.



I apologize in advance for this. I'm Jewish and I fell out my chair dying laughing when my buddy told me this one.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The story of Mr. Smiley.

There was a nice family of three, a mother, a daughter, and a father. Occasionally, the mother and father would go out on date nights, leaving their daughter at home with a babysitter. The parents would always get a female babysitter, but one day they couldn’t find any female babysitters in the area and had to hire a male babysitter. The parents made sure to tell the babysitter of the bed


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What did the psychiatrist say when i told him ive got suicidal thoughts?

Next time youll have to pay in advance

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

So a guy walks into a bar (I apologize in advance)

He asks the bartender for a drink, the bartender says, “if you tell me a joke, I’ll give a drink. So the guy says

So a guy walks into a bar He asks the bartender for a drink, the bartender says, “if you tell me a joke, I’ll give a drink. So the guy says

So a guy walks into a bar He asks the bartender for a drink, the bartender says, “if you t


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A Drunken marine rolls out of bed

He swipes his hair to the side and sees all of the others lined up with his drill sergeant staring with a smerk

DS: and just why are you in bed, I thought you were told to get buzzed.

Marine: I am


(In advance, Sorry for bad setup I have trouble figuring out how best to put these)

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Interviewing for a man who can see the future at investment bank

If you could see the housing crash coming years in advance as you claim, you could see my foot coming at your nuts, you liar.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies

He said from now on I have to pay in advance.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Apologies in advance for possible spelling errors. Which asian country is the most aysian of them all?

Malaysia.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Send me your jokes

Comment or dm me jokes that are offensive, dad jokes, knock knock jokes, anti- jokes or just bad jokes.

Thanks in advance

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I heard that several of the candidates have stated that if elected president they will advance science so much that we will be able to put a restaurant on the moon.

I'm sure the food will be out of this world, but there will be no atmosphere.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

LAST WEEK I TOLD MY PSYCHIATRIST I HAD SUICIDAL TENDENCIES.

He then replied "well starting from now you need to pay in advance"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

LAST WEEK I TOLD MY PSYCHIATRIST I HAD SUICIDAL TENDENCIES.

He then replied "well starting from now you need to pay in advance"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Went to my therapist last week and informed him I had suicidal tendencies....

He told me I needed to start paying in advance.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts

He said I have to start paying in advance

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Actually...

Actually, karma is something which comes back. When I upvote you, I give you karma. Do I get karma too now?

Thanx in advance.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Request My son is going to be the MC in his school talent show. Does anyone have some good (innocent!) one-liners they could share? Thanks in advance!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, and a Belgian walk into a restaurant.

"Sorry, we don't have that many tables left today," said the manager. “Please consider booking in advance next time."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Recently signed up for a gym, even paid 3 months in advance. I just weighed myself and I gained 2 kilos!

“If this continues, I think I might have to go there and see what the hell is wrong”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Every time I click on a joke on this subreddit and find it to be too long

I laugh in advance and close that page.
sorry to disappoint

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do you call a river that just can't admit it?

The Nile.

​

​

Thanks in advance for the Gold.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My wife thinks I wont advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.

I said, “Just you wait!”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man in Soviet Russia goes to buy a car

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,

'Can I pick the car up in the morning or afternoo


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What did the women say to the tattoo artist before flashing him?

Tit for tat?

(I'm sorry in advance. No more internet for me today)

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I told my psychiatrist I've been considering suicide.

He told me I need to pay in advance now.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What is the single most important technological advance in all of human history?

The Leash

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Dogs are supposed to warn you in advance if there is an earthquake coming, but mine just sat next to me begging for food while Im eating dinner.

​

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,

'Can I pick the car up in the morning or afternoo


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Marriage is like a fart

If you have to force it, it’s probably gonna be shit.




*sorry in advance if this is a repost I have no idea if it is or not.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I enroled in courses of hypnosis

The first lessons didn't please me and so I determined to pay direct for a year in advance and not to attend there

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I'll soon tell a very funny joke, but it's somewhat recondite and so I'm warning in advance - to laugh after the word a spade

A bee is flying with a spade

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I told my psychiatrist I have suicidal tendencies.

He said from now I have to pay in advance.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My girlfriend said that I would never advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.

I said, “Oh, yeah? Just you wait.”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

1942 or 2018, Germans just can't advance in Russia !!!!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why did Germany fail to advance?

They have been having trouble advancing in Russia since 1941.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Heres a pretty good joke about your pet marine mammal having sex in an auto parts store.

Your welcome in advance.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car.

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,

'Can I pick the car up in the morning or afternoo


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for 6000

She must think I'm crazy!!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I told my psychiatrist I have suicidal tendancies,

He told me from now on I have to pay in advance...

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies.

He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I told my psychiatrist Ive deceloped suicidal tendencies...

he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My psychologist asked me to pay 500 in advance

[deleted]

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

With the advance of self-driving cars, in Soviet Russia...

[deleted]

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why does the deaf guy have to plan everything out weeks in advance?

He can't play anything by ear.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

(I'm so sorry in advance my heart goes out to those in Munich) The Munich gunners weren't trying to hurt anybody, they were playing Pokemon go.

They were just trying to catch a Ratatta(tattatataatatta)

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why did the jihadi hooker ask for advance payment from her clients?

She blew them every time.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Forgot to bring my protein powder to the gym today

Guess I should've prepared whey in advance

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I'm going to have an ear transplant later tonight.

Thanks in advance for the well wishes!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

SpaceX will reuse their rocket. Blue Origin will reuse their rockette. Neither is an advance.

For 83 years, Radio City has reused theirs.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Request ErdoGollum Jokes

I need to think of something funny ErdoGollum would say in regards to elections or Turkey. Thanks in advance.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why did Willow Smith whip her hair?

Because it has been very knotty.

Apologies in advance

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE
LOAD MORE