Good evening welcome to the six o'clock news

Our top story today, convicted hitman confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field, using only two small porcelain figures.

Police admit this may be the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.

A man with authority walks into a bar.

He orders everybody around.


(Must admit this is a re-post from another thread I read that made me chuckle)

How come vegans don't moan during sex?

How much time per day so you waste on Facebook?

2 hours.
How much time per day do yo spend on Facebook?
I just told you 2 hours.
So you admit 100% of your Facebook time is wasted.

Alright Ill admit it I have a fetish for lawsuits okay? So sue me.

Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy.

Who was the first black guy to admit he is the father?

Darth Vader

I must admit, my arch-nemesis did a good job impersonating me...

...Indeed, he was a worthy faux.

I must admit, my arch-nemesis did a good job impersonating me...

...Indeed, he was a worth faux.

My barber gave me a new style for my haircut....

Restaurant desperate for Customers

What happens when a "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" restaurant is desperate for customers?

They admit defeat.

What do Larry David and Bernie Sanders have in common?

They're both comedians.

(You thought I was going to say they look alike, admit it)

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one...

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..but it takes them years to admit they properly screwed it up.

NSFW The annual study has been released stating that 86 percent of all people admit to regular masturbation.

Scientists are very encouraged, as the 14 percent of participants lying is the lowest they have ever measured!

I'll admit, I was texting while driving

But come on now, we all do thing that we regret while we are drunk

While we were on our honeymoon, I sheepishly told my wife that I was still married to someone else.

She thought that was really bigamy to admit.

A police officer walks into an interrogation room.

"It's over, buddy," he says smugly, throwing down a stack of papers. "We've got you on a double homicide."

"Double?! What are you talking about?" the perp across from him stutters.

"Don't even try to act innocent. We've got video proof. You gunned down two women! Cher and Johnny Depp's new girlfriend are both de

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If you live in Egypt but refuse to admit it...

Does that put you in a state of denial?

I bought the neck of an antique violin and wrote it off on my taxes as a business expense

I'll admit, its a bit of a fiddle.

Why dont vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don’t want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy.

Why wouldn't the vegetarian moan during sex?

She didn't want to admit that a piece of meat made her happy.

My wife asked me to take the trash out.

I must admit that it feels a bit weird to sit in a pub and pretend to have a conversation with a garbage bin.

Hello there, I'm a racist!

“That's horrible. Why would you even admit something like that?”

“Haha, No I'm racist, as in I love running and racing people.”

“Oooh, haha.”

“Not black people though, they can all run faster.”

Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't wanna admit a piece of meat makes them happy

I'll admit that the Chinese kids in math class are pretty smart. But..

doing it with their eyes closed... that's a bit cocky.

Patient : Doc, what happens after we die ?

Simple! We clean the bed and admit a new patient.

I admit I have daddy issues.

But I'm sure they'll abandon me any day now.

An American, Mexican, and Italian robbed a bank...

They escaped with a haul of dollars, pesos, and lira. Back at their hide-out, the American distributed the money in three even shares.

“1000 dollars for me, 1000 pesos for you, 1000 lira for you... 1000 dollars for me, 1000 pesos for you, 1000 lira for you...1000 dollars for me, 1000 pesos for you, 1000 lira for you...”

As the counting continued, the Mexican w

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4 out of 5 people admit they pee in the shower

The other 1/5 are liars

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on a flight, and the topic naturally turns to religion

The priest says, "I understand pork is forbidden in Judaism".

"That's correct", the Rabbi says.

Priest asks, "have you ever tried?"

"Well, I have to admit that yes, yes I have. I was traveling, and there were no Jewish communities nearby, so no Kosher food. I walked into a deli and had a ham sandwich. Can I ask a ques

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Who was the first black guy to admit he was the father?

Death Vader.

Why do vegetarians dont moan during sex?

Because they don’t want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy

Why do vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don’t want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy.

Why do vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don’t want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy.

Why cant Crocodiles ever admit that theyre wrong?

Cause they live in Da Nile

Stalin and the sneezing man

Joseph Stalin was holding a speech during the Communist party congress.

Suddenly, someone from the public sneezed.

Stalin stopped and asked - ''Who sneezed?''

Everyone was silent.

''Send the first row to execution, then!'' said Stalin and NKVD soldiers marched in and dragged the people away.

M

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White people should be able to say the N-word...

Then they’d be able to admit that black people have it hard-R.

Fine! I admit it! I do have a minecraft girlfriend...

Her name is Alex

I'll admit I argued in bad faith, but not even I did expect

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I'll be the first one to admit that my argument was made in bad faith, but even I did not expect

the Spanish Inquisition.

I admit that my argument was in pretty bad faith, but even I didn't expect

the Spanish Inquisition

Me: Doctor, what happens after I die?

Doctor: We clean the bed and admit a new patient.

I will admit I am gay

...when a man can make me cum with me looking at him...

...okay, get started.

Coffee is like tea is like wine.

Their addicts never admit there's a problem.

A friend couch surfed at my place for a few weeks, and he annoyed the hell out of me. So I have to admit...

... I kind of feel for the ambassador of Ecuador.

Heres my first try at this

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, Jack looks different from the others. **Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"**

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The husband says "Who is his father?"

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After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”

God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep fro

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Lil Jack

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know: I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says: "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The husband says "Who is his father?"

T

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Do you want to hear a joke admit ghost?

"I really don't"

That's the spirit.

You can talk shit about phedophiles, but you must admit

they drive slowly near Kindergarten.