Adjust

Jokes

What did the boy say to the girl when they were pegging in the tent?

Can you adjust your strap-on?

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What do mourners and memers have in common?

We both need to adjust and learn to accept loss.

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How to use a hammer like a man:

Just follow these simple steps and learn how to use a hammer like a real manly man:
1. Grab a hammer and nails.
2. Adjust nail on surface while holding.
3. Hold hammer over the nail.
4. Break your fingers.
Congrats!!! You can use a hammer like a real man!

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The fact that I had a wonderful childhood really sucks,

because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.

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So I went to Saudi Arabia last week

As the plane landed they told us to adjust our clocks to the local time. So i stood up and said
"Does anyone know how to turn your vlock bavk to the 6th Century"

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In the late 1940s a group of physicists got their hands on a battleship gun barrel to use for their experiments.

So they modified and used the barrel as a particle accelerator.

But the problem was that the actual machines they used for the experiment was on one end of of the barrel or the other. So it was very difficult for them to adjust parts of the experiment.

So what they did is that they would have this small and skinny grad student crawl into the barrel to get adjust things


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Today I learned my new office chair has the ability to adjust how far the arms stick out.

Guess you could say it’s a feature to accommodate to a wider audience

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As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

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As we landed in Pakistan the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how the fuck do I turn it back to the 7th century?

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A lady goes to the dentist

The dentist looks in her mouth and says "that tooth needs to come out".

She says "oh no I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth pulled".

The dentist says "ok but make up your mind, I need to adjust the chair"

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Why does Michael Jackson like twenty-five year olds'?

Because there are 20 of them.

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I guess you can adjust the tense since, well you know, he's dead and all.

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So the chiropractor's about to adjust my friend's collar bone

**Snaps the whole Neck**


"sorry miss, i was in the navy seals before this job"

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A man comes across a T.V for sale for $1

He asks the man selling it why its so cheap, he replies "the volume is turned all the way up and you can't adjust it, its stuck that way"

"wow! you can't turn that down"

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I've just finished writing a play and am looking to start auditions

It's a one act play about a guy who has been brought up in the wild, a little like Tarzan. He is very sensitive to nature and considers himself to be like a blood relative with the wild. But as populations continue to grow, he finds he is no longer isolated from civilization and he must adjust to this new imposition upon his world, perhaps a lot like Tarzan.

Anyway, is anyo


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NASA started receiving a odd transmission from space

Control Room Tech: "Boss, I think you should come see this! We're receiving a transmission, but it's not from any known spacecraft."

Boss: "Whoa, that's strange... Let me take a listen."

**We... ted......**

Boss: "I think we're getting something!! Quick adjust the frequency receiver!"

....... ** W


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Ever wonder why tires are so expensive these days?

They have to adjust for inflation.

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When travelling the world and you forget which way you adjust for time zones, just watch the news...

...and then you'll clearly see that America is living in the past.

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A group of little kids were trying to adjust to the first grade after finishing kindergarten. The hardest change was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

[deleted]

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If I bought a balloon for $0.99...

How much should I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?

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Doctor "your dad's been in a coma for 9 days, we're running out of ideas" me: "let me try" goes to adjust thermostat

dad: [opens one eye] "You better not be turning that heating up!"

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A mother and her 12 year old daughter in West Virginia

They go to have a portrait taken of the two of them. The photographer starts to adjust his camera.

Daughter "What's he doing ma?"

Mother "He is going to focus"

Daughter "Bofus?"

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A woman goes to the dentist....

and the dentist says "Looks like you need to have a tooth pulled." The woman says "I'd rather have a baby."
The dentist looks at her and says "Make up your mind, I'll have to adjust the chair."

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Just before the love-makin' starts on a honeymoon...

The man says to the woman: "Y'know honey, I know we rushed into this wedding. I have to tell you a big secret of mine. It's very important that you know this about me... I am obsessed with golf. Everything I do is about golf. I eat sleep and dream thinking about golf."

The woman says: "Oh that's alright! I'm glad you brought this up. I have a secret


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What do the American dollar and the American dress size have in common?

Both have had to adjust for inflation.

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Lady goes to the dentist. He says "ma'am I have to pull a tooth." She says "Eww. I'd rather have a baby."

He says, "make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

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At the Dentist's Office

A woman goes into her dentist's office for her checkup. When situated, the dentist inspects her teeth.
"Ma'am, I'll have to pull your incisor out."
The woman said, "I rather have a baby."
The dentist replied, "Could you hurry up and decide? I have to adjust the chair."


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My Balloons

I'm a newly graduated entrepreneur breaking into the party paraphernalia game. I bought a ton of balloons a year ago for 99 cents each. In order to make a profit, how much should I adjust my prices for inflation?

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What did the American football coach say to the Germany coach after losing in the world cup?

"Did they seasonally adjust that score yet? Oh, and don't even get me started on the horrible weather on our side of the field!"

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Hey, Madam! What do you do for your living?

That’s what a Moscow Kremlin security guard asked me as he had my handbag X-rayed. What business was it of his?
I guess he was mildly surprised to see that the X-ray showed that I had… a spanner sitting in my handbag cozily next to my Kleenex.
I just said that I had the spanner because I needed it… (I should have said I am a plumber or an electrician!) No further qu


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A beautiful young woman goes to the dentist for a tooth extraction.

She sits down tentatively before looking up at the dentist and says,"I am just so anxious about this whole procedure. You know, I think I would rather be fucked up the ass without any lubricant than have a tooth pulled out."

The dentist replied,"Well...you better make up your mind before I adjust the chair."


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A beautiful young woman goes to the dentist to have a tooth extracted ...

She sits down tentatively before looking up at the dentist and says,"I am just so anxious about this whole procedure. You know, I think I would rather be fucked up the ass without any lubricant than have a tooth pulled out."

The dentist replied,"Well...you better make up your mind before I adjust the chair."


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I doubt this is what the financial advisors meant when they told Lays to...

adjust for inflation.

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We put Granddad into a nursing home yesterday

I called Grandma to see how he was doing.

"Oh, dear, he's like a fish out of water!" she told me.

"Is he finding hard to adjust?" I asked.

"No, he's dead."

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What's a volume knob?

"Huh, what do you mean? I guess I don't know."

"It's the thing typically found on a stereo and used to adjust the volume."

"Oh... Well ya, OK. So what?"

"I guess you could say a volume knob is sort of... *stereotypical*."

(This joke is good for parties.)


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