Acres

Jokes

A short and skinny guy, Dave, enters the lumberjacks' office

He says he wants a job. A giant man stands up, laughs, and tells him to be in the woods at 5 a.m. 4.55 am, Dave is there. The giant tells him everybody has to clear 5 acres of trees until the end of the shift. The shift ends, Dave cuts 5.2 acres. The giant, obviously impressed, asks him where he learned to chop trees. Dave said his previous job was cutting trees in Sahara. Giant: "But there a


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A young man says to his dad, I want to become a farmer but I will need some help in getting started, so the dad kicked the son in the testicles and says.

Here are a couple of acres for a start.



(In England acres are land measurements)

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A retirement community is home to a famous dining hall

Shady Acres retirement community was home to a very famous dining hall. It had been designed by a model railroader, and had one of the most amazing and detailed miniature displays to be found anywhere. It had gorgeous scale murals painted on the walls, an amazing chandelier that looked like a sun on the ceiling, and it never failed to impress visitors with its detail and beauty. It was the envy


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A retirement home's residents are immensely proud of their dining hall

Shady Acres retirement home had a very famous dining hall, called Tree Hall. It had gorgeous murals painted on the walls, amazing crystal chandeliers on the ceilings, and some of the finest furniture available. It was the envy of all of the other retirement homes in the area, and the residents of Shady Acres were more proud of it than almost anything else. Tree Hall was especially renowned for it


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Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.

The first Texan says, "My name is
Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 10,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."


The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 50,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."


They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irvin


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Another Texan in Ireland Joke.

A Texan on holidays in Ireland was driving along the country side when he came across anumber Irish farmer standing beside the road with his cows. The Texan pulls up and says "excuse me sir, do you own any land around these parts?".
The farmer says "I do. I own the 12 acres of land you see behind me and a herd of 20 cows". The Texan replies "12 acres?! THAT'S I


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My favorite joke, courtesy of my buddys dad.

(A Newfy is a Newfoundlander, A north eastern Canadian it's interchangeable, just how I heard the joke) A Newfy calls up his lawyer looking for a divorce. The lawyer curious of the circumstances says "Great! do you have a suit?" The Newfy replies "Yup, wears it to church every Sunday." The lawyer thinking says "Hmmm, No, Do you have any grounds?" The Newfy retort


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A king once asked his queen for more land

So she kicked him in the nuts and gave him two achers! (acres)

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Hear about the farmer that stepped on a rake?

He had two acres.

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A question of scale

A Texas rancher and a Vermont dairy farmer are having a conversation about their farming operations at a cattleman's conference. The Vermont man asks how many acres of corn the Texan grew this year. "I don't grow any.", said the Texan. "Oh.", said the Vermonter, feeling embarrassed for asking . "Well, how many acres of alfalfa do you grow then?" "N


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An auditor was examining the balance sheet of a mining company...

An auditor was examining the balance sheet of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the Pilbara area of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase was partly for the thousands of acres that the station covered and partly for the thousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of acres. The auditor, being very diligent, noted that the value of the sheep formed a significa


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