Account

Jokes

I call one of my dogs Greyhound on account that he's the grayest.

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I'll bet that Bret Stephens has a new Twitter account under a different name.

Afterall, he's a bed bug which means he needs to be undercover.

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I finally created a LinkedIn account

So I could connect with people for no reason at all!

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A man walks into a bank

and says to the teller, "I want to open a fucking checking account." The teller is caught off guard by his language and says "Sir, I can help you but this is a place of business and we don't tolerate foul language." The man says "I just need to open a god damn checking account." Frustrated, the teller asks him to wait there and she goes to get her manager. She te


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Choosing a new password: potato

Choosing a new password: potato

\-Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

\-Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

\-Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

\-Sorry, password must contain capital letters.

5


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I was making a Gmail account...

and it asked me to create a password. So I typed the first thing that came to my mind: mypenis. But alas, it didn't work.

It simply told me, "Error: Not long enough."

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A guy walking on the beach comes across a brass lantern half buried in the sand...

He picks up the lamp, and on a whim rubs it to see what happens. Yep, a genie appears and offers him 3 wishes. Knowing that genies often play tricks, like delivering the billion dollars you wished for by dropping 1 billion in gold bars on your head, he thinks carefully about his first two wishes.

"I want 1 billion dollars placed in my bank account right now, and a receipt that an


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According to my bank account I have enough money to last me the rest of my life.

Assuming I die on Thursday.

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10k upvotes and ill delete my account

im a reddit noob and i need this

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If the Czech Republic had a king what kind of bank account would he have?

A Czech King account.

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Didnt know how to handle fame. Deleted my insta account

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How did Snoke test out his new Amazon account?

He made the first order!

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Don't stop working till your bank account looks like a phone number.

Hello, operator?

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A man walked into a bar

And ordered a glass of beer. While he was waiting he saw his ex. He has a new beard and sunglasses on so he knew she wouldn't recognize him. He asked her who her favorite online person was because why not and she said his Reddit account name. Long story short, no more account.

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I'm bad at jokes

Guys, downvote if you have a Reddit account, but upvote if you don't have one!

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I just checked my bank account balance and I have $10K

the K is silent.

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An old lady went to the bank and said I'd like to open a joint account "With who"? asked the banker, She said.

"Anyone who has lots of money and a big dick"

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What is the name of GallowBoob's sockpuppet Reddit account where he only posts trivia about '80s music?

[deleted]

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What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account?

Prime mates

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It appears to me that 25 of my GPay account disappeared.

If you ask me, that's pretty Gay.

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My wife said she is leaving on account of my sexual fetishes

I said fine! slam the door on my cock on the way out

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What do you call 2 monkeys who share an Amazon account?

Prime mates


Credit: dad jokes from insta

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I have a massive bank account

Too bad it's empty though.

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(Offensive) I used to work in a Pizza Shop

I had to quit though, because my family thought I smelled Jewish... on account of the ovens.

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I told one of my friends that they should make an account on here

I now Regreddit.

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I work at a bank and this guy comes up to the teller line, hands me a note that says give me $1000 dollars. So I give him the money, hit the silent alarm and back away, leaving him confused. Turns out he was deaf and his account number was on the back.

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Security question : What was the name of your first grade teacher?

My first grade teacher hacking my bank account : I'm in.

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A husband and wife were thinking of a password for their Twitter account.

The husband typed in "my penis" and the wife fell on the floor laughing when it said "error, not long enough."

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Where do pot dealers keep their money?

In a joint bank account.

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A motivational speaker once told me to, "work until my bank account looked like a phone number."

He would be proud. Today my balance was. $9.11

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A man walks into a bank with a briefcase full of cash...

he wants to open an account and deposit it. he is sent to the bank managers office. he sits down and the bank manager says you have $20,000 cash and have never had an account here before and want to open a new account and deposit all this cash, I have to ask where the money came from. the man responds I make bets and I won it on a bet. the bank manager is stunned, you mean to tell me that you


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A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,

"I want to open a fuckin' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank ma


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Upvote this or I will end.....

My reddit account

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A man and his wife were driving along a road...

(reposted due to an error in the title hahah)

The wife says "I know we've been married for five years, but I want a divorce."

The man speeds up slowly.

The wife opens her mouth again. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, I've been having an affair with your best friend and he's a much better lover than you are.&quo


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I dreamt that my Fortnite account got deleted

I was really scared for a second that I played Fortnite

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Guys I had a nightmare

I dreamed that my Fortnite account got deleted.

I was really scared for a second that I played Fortnite.

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A major politician was asked to respond on a recent controversy

He went onto to Twitter to find his account had been hacked by pranksters who wrote complete nonsense on his account. Next he went to the nearest news broadcasting centre to ask if he could produce a video detailing his response. However, the news outlet didn’t approve of his comment so instead they aired a false video claiming they should earn more money. This was quickly shown as fake. The


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I had a nightmare.

I went to sleep and had a dream that my fortnite account got deleted.


I woke up scared and thought that I played fortnite

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A man is seated at at a table in a bar

A man is seated at at a table in a bar with a glass of beer in front of him. His best friend arrives, takes the beer and drinks it.
The man starts crying .

\- "What's the matter? You are crying for a beer?" asks the friend

\- "No no" the man replies, sobbing. "today is horrible day for me. Everything is going wrong. My wife has a lo


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Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

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Little experiment

My cake day was 2 days ago and I'll see if I can still farm karma

U can look at my account to prove it

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TIFU by giving a stripper my credit card info

All she did was stripper my bank account bare.

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Did you hear about the two monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime mates.

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A magician is working on a cruise ship...(long)

A magician is working on a cruise ship where he performs every night right after a circus act. As he amazes the audience, the animals sit on the side of the stage and watch. After months of the same show, a parrot gets bored and decides to have some fun.

At the end of each trick the parrot ruins the big reveal by squawking: "It's in his sleeve" or "She's unde


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Yo momma's so poor

Her bank account looks like a college graduate's

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I deleted my Facebook account...

So I didn’t get a single birthday wish.

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How did the priest get a negative balance in his checking account?

Clerical error.

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Girls tell me Im ugly until they see my bank account.

Then they tell me I’m ugly and poor.

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Bigfoot finally started an Instagram account but he hasnt posted a good picture of himself yet

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My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

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