I accidentally pooped my pants on an elevator today,

I took this shit to a whole new level

What did the cook say when he accidentally dropped the jar of duck fat?

Ma-lard!

What is it called when you accidentally get a Japanese dignitary pregnant and have no choice but to marry her?

A shogun wedding

Proof that reality is a simulation...

The developers accidentally gave Totinos a randomized heat resistance stat.

How did the cook accidentally make Mol sauce instead of guacamole?

He used an Avogadro instead of an avocado.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick...

I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me...

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.

Now I have heinzsight

I hosted a dinner party and we had Vietnamese noodle soup. I was showing everybody my new cat when I accidentally dipped his foot in the soup.

Is this a faux pas?

A woman enters a crowded bus and squeezes through the crowd. As she passes by a man playing chess on his phone, her hand accidentally touches his crotch.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" she blurts.

"Sorry won't do," says the man. "I'm a chess player. If you touch it, you must play it!"

I accidentally declined an offer

Nope unintended

I understand parents who accidentally leave children in cars.

I mean who really checks their trunk everyday?

Why did the construction worker, with fresh breath, get fired?

Because he accidentally ordered 100 pounds of some mint

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.

When your phone accidentally replaces fuck with duck, you can still use it.

It's still fowl language

I just witnessed a doctor accidentally drop a fragile organ transplant...

It was a heart-breaking scene.

I accidentally booked myself into an escapology course

My father in law just accidentally ruined my brother in law's cigar by sitting on it

Close butt, no cigar

What you call an Asian guy who accidentally turned black?

Banana split!

I accidentally froze myself to -273.15 degrees celsius

I'm 0k though

I think the hospital accidentally switched our kids at birth!

They're identical twins, so it's hard to be sure.

What did Ross tell Rachel when their car accidentally hit a tree?

I accidentally broke someone's radio.

Now they won't stop giving me static about it.

The Crude Pianist.

I accidentally swallowed a whole heap of Scrabble tiles last night.

My next poo could spell disaster

Funny Joke: The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick...

Funny Joke: The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Funny Joke: The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Funny Joke: The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

My niece accidentally left her E at my house.

Nice.

Then there was the woman that accidentally backed into an airplane propeller. When asked about her injuries, her doctor just shook his head and said....

Dis-assed her...

Crows are super smart

There was a study conducted on crows using cars to crack open nuts? They'd place the nut on the road during a red light, let the cars run over the nuts, and then retrieve them during the next red light.

The study also found a second interesting discovery, there were a large number of crows that accidentally died because they were hit by trucks.

They found out tha

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I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles

My next trip to the toilet could spell disaster

I accidentally swapped a bunch of scrabble tiles

My next trip to the toilet could spell disaster

How did the cook accidentally make Mol sauce instead of guacamole?

He used an Avogadro instead of an avocado.

What did the Iraqis say when when an American plane dropped a bomb on a bank accidentally during the Gulf War?

Whoa! This has blown up. Thanks for the gold and silver kind strangers!

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but accidentally I passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

I recently bought a ouija board the other day, I asked a question: hello, is anybody there? The reply I got was: Y. O. U. U. U. U. U

Guess I accidentally bought a soulja board

The boys dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled Ass! And the boy heard.....

The boys dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled “Ass!” And the boy heard...

“Dad what does ass mean?

“It means...beard.”

Downstairs the boys older sister was hanging coasts on the coat rack, then accidentally stunner her toe. She was so surprised she yelled “Shit!” And

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What caused the death of Captain Hook?

He accidentally use the wrong hand wiping his ass

I left my car in a car park the other day,

I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:

I just accidentally reversed into your car.

Quite a few people saw me do it.

They think I'm leaving my name and details.

Well, I'm not.

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I was using an acetylene torch and accidentally burnt myself.

It’s okay though, I’ll b-ethyne.

I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.

I dildon't know where i left it.

My Wife

**The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.**

I accidentally glued my girlfriend's butt cheeks together.

She hasn't talked to me in three days , but I can feel the shitstorm coming. ..

I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.

It was a real pain in the ass finding it.

When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me.

Just like when I tried to assassinate that guy and I accidentally ate in those two asses.

I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that hes a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, Well, Im not Happy!

I said, “Well, which one are you?!” And that’s when the fight began.

The thing I like about Donald Trump is that he doesnt get mad at you for accidentally leaving a door or window open

This is because he has a fair amount of experience dodging drafts

I accidentally walked in on my granddad having sex with grandma.

I yelled for him to get dressed and put her back in the urn so we can have a chat.

My wife asked if I could hand her her lipstick, I gave her a glue stick accidentally

She’s still not talking to me

Man: Doctor, I accidentally swallowed one of those Do not Eat silica packets. Am I going to die?

Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.

Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?

I accidentally took laxative with Viagra...and I know what you're telling me now.

Go fuck the shit.