Access

Jokes

The simple difference between programming and terror is

that programmers need to excel at whiteboarding to get an access to the employers Github.
Terrorists get to Gitmo regardless of their waterboarding skills.

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If the Ku Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

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How does the singer of 'Footloose' access his email?

Kenny log-ins.

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Why do so many Norwegians choose to buy properties with access to running water?

Because those are the properties that are affjordable!

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Someone stole my Microsoft Office Suite.

Apparently, the wrong people got Access from my computer.

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In my town there's a big reward for the person that finds the town's drug lord.

You get access to lots of drugs.

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Where I live, there's a huge reward if you manage to find the local drug dealer.

You get access to tons of cocaine.

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There's a huge reward if you manage to find the local drug dealer.

You get access to tons of cocaine.

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I've uninstalled my social apps...

And access them thru my mobile browser the same way I access porn.

>!Incognito!<

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Whats the difference between priests and monks?

Priests have access to children

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Having spent 3 weeks in the rain forest with no access to technology...

Upon her return, Jenny didn't know she'd been Borneo

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This joke stinks.

Literally. Just rub a quarter vigorously against your screen to access the scratch-and-sniff smell.

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I love my wife.

She just surprised me with a all-inclusive vacation to the Dominican Republic, and full access to the mini-bar! She even just got me a million dollar life insurance policy.

Hell Yeah!

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The Russian government must be very rich

I read that you get blazing fast, uncensored, unlimited access across all of Russia to the Internyet.

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The end of world is near.

Once a political leader (who was campaigning) and a farmer were sitting in a park. Suddenly they both die at the same time. They are greeted by God in heaven who says only one can get into heaven.

God asked" the one who has done more good deeds will enter heaven". To which both agree.


Agree 5 minutes, good says" farmer , you can get in here". O


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EA doesn't mean 'Early Access'

It means 'Easy Access'
\^to your wallet.

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A man who fucks children isn't a rapist

he's an early access tester

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A Blondie's computer had technical issues.

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanEngland'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the password has to be at least 5 characters and hav


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How does a tree access the internet?

It logs in

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Why are Vikings such good hackers?

Because they have axes. (Access)

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What did the US say to the EU?

451 Unavailable

We recognize you are attempting to access this website from a country belonging to the European Economic Area (EEA) including the EU which enforces the general data protection regulation(GDPR) and therefore access cannot be granted at this time.

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Did you know some can talk to a food and it becomes salted

They just need to be 10 year olds that play fortnite and have access to their mum’s credit card

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I put hidden cameras in every butter factory in the world and will sell access to them,

Some people just want to watch the world churn

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If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

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How do you piss off a German?

You shut off his access to gas.

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Who's a big metal lift, that miners use to access the pits?

Shaft

You're damn right.

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Three European contrabass players were denied access to USA at a New York airport...

...they couldn't let contraband trough customs.

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What do you call a Monk who has an access to a door?

Monkey.

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What does EA truly stand for?

Early Access because all of their games are rushed and unfinished.

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Common sense is like dial-up internet access

It hasn’t been used in years

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I'm not racist, but...

We should completely remove India's access to the internet so that (groans) t-series can stop growing in subs.

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How does a farmer access the internet?

With Old Macdonald's free wifi.

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To all the Android users who just can't seem to gain administrator access to their devices on their own:

We're rooting for you!

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A Nigerian prince just granted me access to his vault of precious metals.

Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

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A Nigerian prince just granted me access to his vault of precious metals.

Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

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Starbucks announced they will soon block porn websites from their public access Wifi

Good thing all I need is that two-tailed mermaid.

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What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

*Dear sir,*

*Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.*

*Sincerely, your service provider.*

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The Pope, the Packers amp the Vikings

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the pope-mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man wearing a Green Bay Packer jersey was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with


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I tried to sue the Devil for cruel and unusual punishment

but I lost because, naturally, he had access to the best lawyers in the world.

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Mr Hodge's son lost an arm in the war so he wanted to get a prostethic....

He went to the doctor and wanted to have an iPhone attached to the end of the prostethic arm so he can have easy access. The doctor, who was unsure about the medical ramifications of such a procedure, said he wants nothing to do with Hodge-Kin's limb-phone-a

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Why do black people have horrible sense of humour?

They do not have access to Dad Jokes.

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How does a tree access the internet ?

They Login

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If you give enough monkeys access to this sub

They’ll eventually repost all of Shakespeare’s works

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What's a priest's favorite type of video game?

Early-access

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Software Husband

Husband : ( Returning late form work ) "Good evening Dear, I'm now
logged in."

Wife : Have you brought the ring ?

Husband : Bad command or filename.

Wife : But I told you in the morn...

Husband : Erroneous syntax.

Wife : What about my new necklace ?

Husband : Variable not found ...


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If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

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Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing....

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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Two twins were having a fight over full tit access, one got right tit access and the other got left tit access, as a plan each one of them secretly poisoned the tits...

Later the dad was found dead

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Tonight, Im uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...




I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

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I just finished designing a website for an orphanage

You need your parents permission to access the site...

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